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The following is a transcript for the episode "Tough Cookies".

Script

[At school, Lincoln is at his locker when Clyde shows up with a plate of cookies.]
Clyde: "Hey buddy. Do you wanna try my latest baking creation?"
Lincoln: "Do I? I mean, yes, I definitely do." [eats a cookie; his hair pops off and fireworks appear on his eyes.] "These are amazing, Clyde!"
Clyde: "Thanks! You gave me an idea, actually. Oatmeal and butterscotch, together at last!"
Principal Huggins: [slides on the floor] "Who's been dirtying my freshly waxed hallways on another day of the school board meeting?" [sniffs the smell of Clyde's cookies.] "Do I smell butterscotch?"
Clyde: "Yes. Would you like a cookie?"
Principal Huggins: "Ah." [eats a cookie; his hair pops off and fireworks appear from his eyes.] "These are quite exquisite." [To Lincoln and Clyde] "Look. I know it's rather short notice, but could you make a few dozen of these cookies with the school board meeting tonight? Superintendent Chen has quite the sweet tooth."
Clyde: "Eh, I don't know. We were going to get started in our history project tonight."
Principal Huggins: "Please! I beg you. Superintendent Chen can always tell when baked goods are store-bought! I'll pay, handsomely."
[Dollar signs appear on Lincoln and Clyde's eyes, and they smile with it.]
Clyde: "We'll totally help!"
Principal Huggins: Excellent! Thank you, boys! [skates on the floor with his hair sticking off.]
Clyde and Lincoln: "Aw, yeah!"
[A montage of the mixer mixing out the dough, dough pieces being put on a tray, and a kitchen timer appears. Clyde uses his potholder to bring out the freshly baked cookies in a tray. Lincoln and Clyde both sniff its smell.]


[School. Superintendent Chen and Principal Huggins are walking on the hallway.]
Superintendent Chen: "We have a lot to discuss Principal Huggins." [slides on the floor, but hangs on a locker.] "Like all the money you've been spending on floor wax."
Principal Huggins: "Well, I, uh... oh good!" [runs and grabs the plate of cookies from Lincoln and Clyde.] "The refreshments are here." [offers to Superintendent Chen.] "Care for a cookie?"
Superintendent Chen: [eats a cookie; her hair pops off and fireworks appear on his eyes; arranges her hair again.] "Oh, these are delicious!" [eats more cookies] "And definitely not store-bought! Now what was I saying?"
Principal Huggins: "Oh, who can recall? Have another." [Offers all the cookies to Superintendent Chen, who eats all of them. Whispers to Lincoln and Clyde.] "You two just saved the day, here's your payment, plus a little extra."
[Principal Huggins gives the boys their money.]
Superintendent Chen: [Still eating] "These are so good. Oh, do you boys have a business? I'd love to place an order."
Lincoln & Clyde: [Both laugh] "Oh, we don't have a..." [Gasp] "We should totally start a cookie business! We'd be the Cookie Kings of Royal Woods!" [Their fantasy starts. Lincoln and Clyde dress up with their robes and crowns, waving to the crowd and throw out cookies to the crowd as they cheer for them.] "Cookies! Cookies for everyone!"
Cookie Assistant: "Mr. McBride, Mr. Loud, you're needed in the tasting room."
[Clyde pulls a lever, which brings him with Lincoln to the tasting room on a "butterscotch slide".]
Clyde: "Ooh! Look at these new flavors should we release? Caramel Crunch? Mocha Fudge? Marshmallow Swirl?"
Lincoln: "All of them!"
Cookie Assistant: [Runs in] "I'm so sorry, Mr. McBride and Mr. Loud, but we've run out of room for all the money you're making."
[Suddenly, all the money drops down on them. Lincoln and Clyde then open it up while holding bags of money. End of fantasy.]
Lincoln: "It'll be perfect! We've got everything we need. You're a baking genius..."
Clyde: "And you're great at getting people to buy stuff! Like this shirt! I never thought I could do stripes."
Lincoln: "Now let's get out there and start taking orders!"
Clyde: "Yeah! Oh... but should we get that history project out of the way first?"
Lincoln: Homework can wait, when we're the "Cookie Kings of Royal Woods", will anyone care how we did on some history project?"
Clyde: [Laughs] "What history project? Let's do this!"
[Clyde and Lincoln both ride on a bicycle on their way home.]


Indecisive Man: "Hmm... should I get her roses? Oh, those are plaid-out."
Lincoln: [Pops up in front of him.] "This anniversary, why not give her what she really wants?"
Clyde: "Cookies!" [The Indecisive Man screams] "Here, try a sample!"
Indecisive Man: [Eats the cookie, and his sunglasses fly off and fireworks appear from his eyes.] "These rule! Oh, I'll take two dozen!"
Clyde: "Great! We'll just get your info and-"
Florist: "Hey! Quit stealin' my customers!"
[Lincoln and Clyde run away.]


Lynn Jr.: [Kicks a soccer ball upwards.] "Hey guys! What you doin' at my soccer practice?" [Bicycle kicks the soccer ball, then lunges.] "Need me to open a jar or somethin'?"
Lincoln: "Actually, we'd thought your team might like to order some cookies."
Lynn Jr.: [Buzzer sound] "Come on, Stinkin'! Athletes can't be slamming sugar!"
Clyde: "Actually, these are made with unsweetened apple sauce, whole grains, and protein-packed peanut powder."
Lynn Jr.: [Eats a cookie; her hair pops off and fireworks appear on her eyes.] "WO-WOW! We'll take for our six dozen against our next match against Fern Valley!"


[Scene shows Lynn's Table. Lynn Sr. is shown multitasking his work.]
Clyde: "Looks like you've got a lot on your plate there, Mr. Loud! Why not let us, handle the dessert menu?" [Offers to Lynn Sr. the cookies.]
Lynn Sr.: [Eats it, his chef hat pops up and fireworks appear on his eyes, but it is revealed that the chef hat becomes stuck in the exhaust fan.] "Dang, exhaust fan! Anyway, these cookies are out-of-this-world! Ay, you got yourselves a deal. You know, running a business is a big responsibility. You boys want some pointers? That's not all a piece of... CAKE!" [Shows the cake]
Lincoln: "Thanks Dad, but, we're all set. Plus, we've got a hot lead on another potential sale."
[He and Clyde both run away.]
Lynn Sr.: [Laughs] "Have fun, boys." [As he sniffs, the cake goes up in the exhaust fan.] "Oh! Dangy dang it."


[At Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, the news is covering a senior riot.]
Katherine Mulligan: "Katherine Mulligan reporting to you live from Sunset Canyon, where a riot has broken out. The cause; a clogged pudding dispenser."
[The senior all chant, when suddenly...]
Clyde: "Fear not senior citizens!"
[He and Lincoln are now wearing capes and standing heroically.]
Lincoln: "We have the solution to your pudding problem."
Lincoln & Clyde: "Cookies!"
[They toss cookies into the elder's mouths, and they all love them. Katherine takes a cookie off her head, eats, and loves it too.]
Katherine Mulligan: "These are fantastic. Looks like we got a new story, these delicious cookies."
[Clyde grabs the mic.]
Lincoln: "That's right Katherine, we are Clincoln McCloud Cookie Company."
Clyde: "And we're open for business."


[The next morning at the McBride's house.]
Lincoln: "Alright, time to start cookin'" [Looks at the order list.] "First up, your Nana Gayle ordered a dozen for her sky diving club."
Clyde: "Let's do this." [They put on their hairnets and start baking. Lincoln draws a cartoon on each wrapper.] "Ooh, nice label."
Lincoln: "Thanks, I'm drawing a mini-comic on each one, keepin' it fun you know." [They eventually finish baking.] "Nice, our first dozen down, and it only took us..."
[They check the time.]
Lincoln & Clyde: [Shocked] "Four hours?!"
Clyde: "How many more orders do we have to make for tomorrow?"
Lincoln: [Checks] "Ten orders for a total of fifteen dozen cookies, which will take, um..." [Gets a phone call] "Lisa?"
Lisa: "Sixty hours or two point five days, and that's with no potty brakes."
Lincoln: "You were listening? How? I'm at Clyde's house, your surveillance measures have gone too far."
Lisa: [On the couch, next to Lincoln's walkie talkie.] "I heard it through your walkie talkie, you boob."
Lincoln: "Guh?" [Lincoln looks at his foot and sees that he's standing on the other walkie talkie.] "Oh, well, thank you."
Clyde: "You're welcome, here's another tip, hire employees. If two nincompoops can make a dozen cookies in four hours, think how many cookies six or seven nincompoops could make in that time."
Lincoln: [Offended] "Hey!"
Lisa: "One last tip, maybe look for a bigger workspace."
Clyde: "How do you know the layout of my kitchen?"
Lisa: [In her living room, surrounded by monitors of the McBride's house.] "Gotta go." [Loses the phone]
Clyde: "So do we know anyone with professional baking experience?"
Lincoln: "No, but I can think of some other people who might be available."


[Later, at the Loud house, Stella, Zach, Rusty and Liam are all wearing aprons, and all except Rusty are wearing hairnets.]
Lincoln: "Thanks for coming, my sisters were too busy to help, but you guys will get to share in profits."
Clyde: "Plus, you get all the leftover cookies you can eat."
[Their friends like the idea.]
Rusty: "I don't know man. A hairnet? These locks can't be tamed."
[Pushes his hair up, and it springs out almost hitting the others.]
Zach: "Just put it on Rust."


[Stella is using the rolling pin, and being rather aggressive with it.]
Clyde: "Woah, easy tiger, that rolling pin is vintage."
Stella: "Oh, sorry, I'll be more gentle."
[Stella continues rolling.]
Clyde: "Still a little rough there."
Stella: [Irate] "I'm barely pressing it."
Clyde: "Here, why don't I just do it?"
[Clyde rolls the dough, and Stella grumbles. Later, Lincoln is inspecting the finished product.]
Lincoln: "Well, the label looks great. But, are these bite marks?" [Lincoln looks and sees all the cookies have bite marks.] "Wait, all the cookies have them. Zach! What the heck?"
Zach: [Swallows a mouthful] "What? Doing quality control."
[Clyde comes out of the kitchen.]
Clyde: "Bad news bud, we're out of butter."
Lincoln: "Dang it, I already used up my allowance on the first round of ingredients."
Clyde: "And I used up mine on that vintage rolling pin."
Liam: "Ah, don't worry fellers, I'm on it." [Confidingly walks out, and returns holding a rope.] "Now which one of you got a gentle touch?"
[On the other side of the rope is a cow. Stella pops in the kitchen.]
Stella: "Hey guys, come look at the conveyor belt I rigged up." [The boys pop in and see a conveyor belt with some ingredients and equipment on it.] "I think it'll make things go a lot faster. I made it out of a treadmill your parents were getting rid of, see we could do an assembly line and-"
[Suddenly the baking timer goes off, which scares the cow, causing her to kick the conveyor belt, making it go crazy, the chaos ends with a bag of flour exploding everywhere and all over the kids. The cow eats the finished cookies.]
Rusty: "Sorry, but no amount of free cookies is worth this hassle." [Throws the hairnet away.]
Zach: "I'm with Rusty."
Stella: [In unison] "Same."
Liam: [In unison] "Likewise."
Stella: "Come on, we should probably go finish our history projects anyway."
[They all leave. Lincoln and Clyde are bummed out when they suddenly realize.]
Lincoln & Clyde: "Our history project!"
Lincoln: "We haven't even started!"
Clyde: "But we promised cookies to all those people."
[They look at the state of everything.]
Lincoln: "Well I guess we just have to buckle down and get baking."


[A montage of them baking as fast as they can. Lincoln just scribbles the comics at this point.]
Lincoln: [Clutches his hand] "Gah! Hand cramp!" [They continue baking, the timer goes off, and they eventually finish and sigh, exhausted.] "Last one, we did it."


[They deliver cookies to the man from the flower cart.]
Clyde: "Here are the cookies for your anniversary Sir, sorry they're so awful looking."
Lincoln: [Takes out a bouquet of daisies.] "We got you these as back up too."
Indecisive Man: "Oh, well thanks."
[Next, they're at Sunset Canyon, the seniors are happy to have the cookies.]
Lincoln: "Also, we fixed the pudding machine, these were clogging it."
[Holds out someone's teeth.]
Female Senior: [Gasps] "Those are Scoots chompers."
Scoots: [Scooters in, with no teeth, laughing.] "You can't prove it." [Takes the teeth and rides.]
[Finally, the boys deliver to Lynn's Table.]
Lynn Sr.: [After hearing their story] "Ah, I get it, boys, bit off a little more than you could chew." [Nudges Clyde] "Eh? Eh?
[Clyde awkwardly laughs.]
Lincoln: "Yeah, we definitely did, we thought we'd be the Cookie Kings of Royal Woods, but there's so much more to running a business than we realized."
Clyde: "Managing employees, tracking inventory, wrangling dairy cows."
Lynn Sr.: "Ha, well, don't worry, there'll be plenty of time to figure it all out when you're older." [Out of nowhere, the exhaust fan steals the cookies, and still has all the stuff from before.] "Anyways, enjoy being a kid while you can."
Lincoln: "Will do."
[They take off]
Clyde: "Bye Mr. Loud."
Lincoln: "Bye Dad."
Lynn Sr.: "I'll see... Gah!" [Suddenly the exhaust fan sucks him up.] "Dang it."


[At school, Rusty, Liam and Stella are waiting out front with their finished projects. Lincoln and Clyde walk up to them with a plate of cookies and a wagon with a sheet over it.]
Lincoln: "Hey guys, we're sorry for putting you through all that mess."
Clyde: "We made you these apology cookies."
Rusty: [In unison] "No worries."
Liam: [In unison] "Forget about it."
Stella: [In unison] "It's cool." [Out of unison] "Sorry you guys weren't able to finish your history project."
Clyde: "Oh we did, we had some dough scraps left over so we made Cookie Stonehenge."
[They take the sheet off the wagon, and find bite marks on their project.]
Lincoln: "Huh?"
Clyde: "What happened?"
[Suddenly they see the cow eating, as well as Zach.]
Zach: "Sorry, I thought these were the apology cookies."
[The gang all share a laugh about this. Back at Lynn's Table, Lynn Sr. is stuck on the fan, and laughing as well, for no obvious reason.]

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