The following is a transcript for the episode "Two Boys and a Baby".
[Lincoln wakes up]
Lincoln: "Ah, Sunday mornings. My homework's done, my chores are complete, and I'm looking forward to a whole day of freedom!" [gets out of bed and starts dancing with joy.]
Rita: [from downstairs] "RISE AND SHINE, KIDS! WE'RE GOING TO AUNT RUTH'S TODAY!" [Her news causes Lincoln to stop dancing.] "YAY!"
Lincoln: [frightened] "Aunt Ruth's? Today? NOOOOOO!!! [to the viewers] Visits to Mom's aunt are torture."
[A montage of all the things they do at Aunt Ruth's is shown.]
Lincoln: "She makes us look at a million pictures of her cats."
Ruth: "Here's Mittens in Egypt. We were going to visit the pyramids, but Mittens hates the heat." [cuddles Mittens] "Don't you, baby?"
[Cut to them eating something questionable.]
Lincoln: "She feeds us gross food."
Lori: "Ew. When was this pudding made?"
Lisa: [examining the can] "Seeing as this flag on the label only has 48 stars..."
[Cut to Lincoln cleaning out the cats' litter box.]
Lincoln: "And she always singles me out to do special chores."
Ruth: "And when you're done scooping, you can start rubbing these bunions. Don't forget my extra toe!"
[A sixth toe protrudes from her left foot.]
[Lincoln cringes in disgust.]
Lana: [disappointed] "Lucky."
Lincoln: "The only Louds who get to skip out on Aunt Ruth's are Lily and Dad."
[Lily pulls on one of Ruth's cats' tails. End montage.]
Lincoln: "Aunt Ruth doesn't trust Lily around her cats. So Dad stays home and babysits her. Lucky." [gets an idea] "Wait. Maybe I could be lucky, too!" [talking to his parents] "So, I thought this time, why don't I babysit Lily so Dad can see Aunt Ruth for a change?"
[Lynn Sr. coughs in shock at the thought.]
Lynn Sr.: "Well now son, I couldn't deprive you of your time with your aunt. And-and-and I'm not sure you're really ready to take care of Lily. Right? Right?"
Lincoln: "But I've learned a ton about babysitting from Lori and Leni. Not to mention the real pros: you guys."
Rita: "He's got a point, honey. And talk about a win-win. You'll get to spend the whole day with Ruthie!"
[Lynn Sr. drops his coffee mug in despair.]
Rita: [gives Lincoln Lily] "Now, all you'll need to do is feed her, change her, and then put her down for a nap."
[Lynn Sr. and the girls await the inevitable with Ruth.]
Lynn Sr.: "If I have to see that extra toe, so help me..."
Lori: [bitterly to Lincoln] "Lucky..."
Lincoln: "It's not luck. It's strategy. Have a great day!"
[Lori sighs and heads to the car. Lincoln closes the door and plays with Lily. Just then, Clyde contacts him as Lincoln takes out his walkie-talkie.]
Clyde: "Come in, Lincoln! It's Clyde. Are we hanging out today?"
Lincoln: "I'd love to, buddy, but I'm babysitting Lily and you probably don't want to-"
Clyde: [excited] "Are you kidding? I'm great with babies. I'll be right over." [beat] "And out. Over and out."
[Clyde has come over and is making funny faces to Lily, which she likes. Lincoln checks the list.]
Lincoln: "Mom says first thing, we gotta feed her. Here, you put her in the highchair and I'll get her food." [gives Lily to Clyde and checks the fridge.]
[Clyde tries getting Lily into the highchair, but he ends up putting her in upside-down, gets her in backwards, and even ends up in the chair himself. Lincoln finds Lily's baby food perfectly labeled. Lily is now in her highchair.]
Lincoln: [feeding his literal baby sister] "Open up the hangar, Lily. Here comes the airplane." [Lily knocks the spoon out of his hand.] "Okay, a little turbulence." [gives the food to Clyde]
Clyde: "Here. Let me try." [Lily gives him the same results.] "It looks like she doesn't wanna eat."
Lincoln: "She's just a baby, Clyde. We can make her eat. I mean, how hard could it be?"
[Later, the kitchen is a complete mess because Lily refuses to eat anything.]
Clyde: "You know, I read in this book called "Food for Tot" that if you show the baby you like the food, she'll like it, too."
Lincoln: "Why where you reading a baby book?"
Clyde: "I was waiting to see my therapist. Her lobby has a great reading selection."
Lincoln: "It's worth a try." [picks up a jar] "Mmm! Lily. Chicken and gravy. Doesn't that sound good?"
[He and Clyde eat a spoonful of the stuff.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "Mmm! Yum yummy!" [suddenly stop and notice a dog on the label.]
Clyde: "Lincoln, why is there a dog on the label?"
[The two scream in horror realizing they were eating dog food. Lincoln throws up under the table and Clyde washes his taste buds. After that, they notice Lily actually eating now. After that experience, they wash themselves off with the hose.]
Lincoln: "Well, that was disgusting. But at least I'm not scooping poop at Aunt Ruth's."
[Lily suddenly feels a certain bodily sensation and makes a mess in her diaper.]
Clyde: "Speaking of poop..."
[Lily and Lisa's room.]
Lincoln: "This shouldn't be too bad. I've seen Mom do it a million times." [Lily farts in his face] "Oh, G-" [faints]
Clyde: "Lincoln! Speak to me!"
Lincoln: [coming to] "M-my whole life just flashed before my eyes!"
Clyde: "Let me try. I read all about this in "Oopsie, My Baby Made a Poopsie"." [goes in but Lily farts in his face, too; faints and comes to.] "That was weird. Your life just flashed before my eyes."
[The two put clothes pegs on their noses, but Lily kicks them off and farts in both their faces. The two run for the window and gasp for fresh air.]
Clyde: "It's practically radioactive!"
Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Huh. Radioactive, you say?"
[They look at Lisa's stuff and put Lily in an isolation chamber. This allows them to use gloves to change the diaper and not get farted in the face anymore.]
Lincoln: "It pays to have a sister whose hobby is nuclear physics."
[They get the diaper off her, dump it in the disposal unit, put a fresh one on her and get her out of the chamber. Unfortunately, the soiled diaper comes out, too.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "Ew!" [back away from the practically radioactive padding.]
[Lincoln casts a fishing rod to pull the diaper in, but the recoil cast from the line causes the diaper to head towards the ceiling fan.]
Lincoln and Clyde: [in slow motion] "NOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
[Cut to the exterior of the house where the disgusting substance, off-camera, bursts open and Lincoln and Clyde are caught in the impact. They hose themselves off again.]
Clyde: "Well, that was disgusting."
Lincoln: "True, but at least I'm not buffing bunions at Aunt Ruth's."
[They seal off Lily and Lisa's room from the diaper disaster.]
Lincoln: "Let's never speak of this."
Clyde: "Uh-oh. I think it's somebody's nap time."
Lincoln: "Not now, Clyde. We're supposed to be babysitting." [realizes] "Oh, you meant Lily."
[Lily is being put down for a nap and Clyde reads her a bedtime story.]
Clyde: "And so the beautiful Princess Lori and the brave Sir Clyde lived happily ever after, while the dim-witted Sir Bobby was eaten alive by a-"
Lincoln: [stopping his buddy from getting carried away.] "Okay, Clyde, let's not give her nightmares."
[They notice Lily has fallen asleep.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "YEA-" [realize they have to be quiet] "Yeah." [highfive softly]
Clyde: [whispering] "What should we do now?"
Lincoln: "Zombie marathon?"
[Clyde reminds Lincoln of Lily's nap, but Lincoln busts out headphones for them to listen and block out the sound from Lily's range, which Clyde approves of.]
[The sight of the zombies makes the boys scream and Lily wakes up crying from her nap being disturbed.]
Lincoln: "It's okay, Lily. Go back to sleep." [to Clyde] "You ever read any books about getting babies to sleep?"
Clyde: "Of course! "NapQuest: The Impossible Journey"! It says babies like white noise! It reminds them of the womb!"
[The boys turn on everything that runs water, a ton of electric fans, and all sorts of white sounds on radios, but it doesn't work. Lincoln's phone goes off and he sees who it is calling.]
Lincoln: "Crud! It's Mom! I can't let her hear all this!" [runs out of the house to block out the noise and answers.] "Hey, Mom."
Rita: "Hi, sweetie. How's everything going?"
Lincoln: "Great. Smooth sailing."
Rita: "Do I hear Lily crying?"
Lincoln: "Oh, that. Yeah. We're just having a teeny bit of a problem getting her to nap." [looks through the window and sees Lily screaming and tearing Clyde's hair out of his scalp.]
Rita: "You know what always works for me? Taking her to the park. That'll wear her out."
[All the water that they ran pours out the window and hits Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Uh, thanks for the tip, Mom! Bye!" [runs back inside] "Clyde! What happened?"
[A massive flood bursts out the door, carrying Lily and Clyde with it.]
Clyde: "Sorry, Lincoln! I couldn't turn off all the faucets in time!"
[Geo floats off on his hamster ball.]
Lincoln: "I'll go get the mops."
[Ketcham Park. When they let Lily out of her stroller, she sees other babies and stops crying.]
Clyde: "Wow! Your mom knows her stuff! I wonder if she read "Take a Walk On the Child Side"."
[Lincoln takes Lily to the sandbox.]
Lincoln: "Okay, Lily, have fun with your little friends. We'll be right over there watching you."
[The boys fall asleep on a park bench. When Lincoln wakes up, he sees Lily crawling away.]
Lincoln: "Clyde! Lily's on the loose!"
[Lily crawls over to the Merry-Go-Round. Clyde tries to catch her, but a boy spins him around so hard, he flies off and hits a tree. Lily is swinging on the baby swings and Lincoln is swinging on one as well to try to catch her. She flies off her swing and lands softly on the sandbox and crawls off to the big kid playground. She crawls across a bridge, goes down a pole, and slides down the blue tube slide while Lincoln thinks she went down the red one. Clyde goes down the red tube slide and crashes into Lincoln. Lily crawls into the baby tunnel and Lincoln sees she stopped in the middle of it.]
Clyde: [blocking a bunch of other babies from entering.] "Hey, kids! Wait your turn!"
[Lincoln goes in and grabs Lily.]
[Clyde can't hold the other babies back.]
Clyde: "THIS IS NOT POLITE, KIDS!"
[The babies crawl and push the two big boys out of the tube. Lily is caught in the pile of babies.]
Lincoln: "Lily!" [grabs the baby] "Let's get you home, Lily."
[Back at the Loud House, they hose themselves off once again.]
Lincoln: "Well, that was a nightmare. But it still beats eating moldy pudding at Aunt Ruth's."[The baby starts crying]
Lincoln: "It's okay. Don't cry."
Lincoln: "Hey, is there something different about Lily?"
[The baby has more hair than Lily and no eyelashes. His pacifier is a different color, too. The boys then realize...]
Lincoln and Clyde: "BECAUSE THAT'S NOT LILY!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" [look again] "WE TOOK THE WRONG BABY!"
[Lincoln gets a call and sees who it is.]
Lincoln: "It's my mom! They're on their way home!"
[The boys scream and hurry back to the park to get Lily and bring the baby they took back to his real parents. The stroller breaks loose and goes down a hill and they chase after the stroller only for it to come down toward them on another hill, going back and forth between chasing the stroller and being chased by it until it finally comes to a complete stop.]
Lincoln: "There was probably a better way to do that."
[They get back to the park and look for Lily.]
Clyde: "Where is she?"
Lincoln: "I don't know."
[They check other parents' babies' strollers.]
Clyde: "Sorry, my bad!"
Lincoln: "Cute kid!" [spots Lily] "There! That must be her!"
[A man is taking Lily into his car.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "WAIT! STOP!"
[Lincoln faceplants on the windshield and scares the guy.]
Clyde: "Excuse me, sir. I believe this belongs to you." [returns his baby]
[The man looks in the rear view mirror and sees Lily waving at him.]
Lily: [babbiling] "Hi!"
Man: "Darn! I always do this!"
[The boys get Lily back home and put her in her baby carrier. They are exhausted.]
Lincoln: "Phew. What a day! That did not go as I expected. But you know what? I still win, 'cause I got out of going to Aunt Ruth's. Strategy!"
[The car pulls up and almost all of the girls are exhausted from their visit with Aunt Ruth. The only one who seems to have had a good time was Lana who is eating the moldy pudding.]
[The girls don't seem to be getting out of the car.]
Clyde: "Why aren't they coming in?"
[Rita calls Lincoln and he answers.]
Rita: "Hi, sweetie. I just got a call from Billy's dad. Billy from the playground." [the boys gulp thinking she found out what happened.] "Billy just came down with Chicken Pox. Which means you and Clyde and Lily might have been exposed. I'm afraid all three of you will have to be quarantined. But luckily, Aunt Ruth has already had the Chicken Pox, so..."
[Lincoln realizes that can only mean one thing...]
[Aunt Ruth's House. Lincoln ended up going to the place he was trying to get out of going to and Clyde and Lily are with him. Lily is chasing one of Ruth's cats.]
Ruth: "Lincoln, let Clyde watch Lily. My bunions are aching something fierce!"
[The extra toe protrudes again.]
Lincoln: "Well, so much for strategy." [busts out a sanding tool, turns it on, and prepares for Ruth's bunions.]
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