(Our story begins right behind the woods in a forest. The camera then starts zooming to initiate parallax scrolling, which reveals the town of Royal Woods.)
Narrator: Ah. The state of Michigan. So fascinating. So wonderful. So glorious. Here we see the glorious town of Royal Woods, teeming with life... (the camera then shows the Loud House location) …home to one of my favorite townspeople in the whole neighborhood, Lincoln Abraham Loud. Yes, of course he lives in a house with 10 other girls, you silly.
(The scene then cuts to Lincoln's bedroom. A young, optimistic 11-year-old young boy named Lincoln is seen sleeping in his bed, snoring as his alarm clock ticks. The alarm then sounds when it hits 7:00. He wakes, but is unaffected by the annoying sound, and with a smile on his face, turns it off. He then gets out of bed with a beautiful smile on his face. He then notices the viewers and decides to give them a big warm welcome to the show.)
Lincoln: Oh, hi. Have you ever wondered what it is like to live in such a big family? Well, do not let the picture I have fool you.
(He holds a picture of him with his eight aunts, his sister Lily and mother Lori, all smiling.)
Lincoln: (continued) It's not always sugar and spice for our likings. Don't believe me. Then it's time that we present you.
(He opens his door and outside his room, there is much chaos going on caused by his aunts. Starting with a baby playing with pots and pans, one sister reading a poem, one sister dressed up like a mummy in some white cloth substance chasing another sister wearing a pretty dress who is screaming in terror, one sister playing Football in the house, one sister angrily chasing another grinning sister through the halls, and one sister playing on a guitar.)
Lincoln: Welcome... to the Loud House.
(He then closes the door behind him and comes up to a rock and roll sister named Luna who was about ready to play some great 80's-esque music.)
Lincoln: Hey Luna? A little traveling music for me?
Luna: Sure thing, bro. And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four!
(Luna then starts jamming on her guitar and fulfills her nephew's request as he started rocking through the halls. Suddenly, a goth girl named Lucy appeared in front of him.)
Lucy: Hey, Lincoln, do you wanna hear my poem?
Lincoln: I'd love to, but I have a big day ahead of me.
(With that, he continues down through the halls only to be stopped by a prankster named Luan.)
Luan: Hey, Linc. Smell that new flower on my outfit.
(She squirts water from flower, but Lincoln ducks just in the nick of time.)
Lincoln: Ha! Did you really think I'd fall for...
(She suddenly squirts water from a flower on her left shoe into Lincoln's mouth.)
Luan: It's not easy being this good.
(Luan then laughs for a few moments but all of a sudden...)
?: Clear the track!
(Lincoln does a spit take and gets out of the way for someone.)
?: Comin' through!
(Suddenly, a jock sister named Lynn Loud Jr. comes out of nowhere playing a bizarre sport involving wearing a football helmet, riding a motorbike, and hitting a tennis ball with a hockey stick before she crashes into wall with pieces of debris flying all over.)
Lynn: (shouting) SCORE!
Lincoln: All right, that was unexpected.
(Lincoln was just about to head on downstairs only to be stopped by a pretty perfect princess sister named Lola Loud.)
Lola: Whoa whoa whoa. Hold your horse right there, Lincoln. Why don't you be a friend of mine and play 'Fashion Photographer' with me if you have the time to play it right.
Lincoln: I would love to Lola, but I really have a big day ahead of-
Lola: Why don't you play with me, OR I'LL TELL MY MOM YOU WERE READING ON THE ROOF IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AGAIN!
(Knowing that Lola was about to get him in trouble again, Lincoln does a whistling sound, meaning that he calls for his mother Lori, who takes notice off-screen and runs toward Lola, giving the latter an angry glare and Lori was threatening to spank Lola with her shoe. Lola was then silent and scared.)
Lori: Seriously, Lola? What were about to do now?
Lola: Uh, I was about to do some of my chores.
Lori: Lola, are you sure? I think you might be lying to me again.
Lola: Okay, okay. I just wanted Lincoln to play with me, or I would tell your mother that your son Lincoln was reading on the roof in his underwear again.
Lori: Unacceptable, Lola! Don't do that to him again, or I'll take your princess gowns and put them in storage up in the attic! And that, I'd top off with serious spanking on your butt as well! Understand?
Lola: Y... yes.
Lori: Good.
Lincoln: Well, that's Lori. The oldest of the Loud siblings and if you're curious about her, she's my mother by the way. She can be a bossy teenager towards her sisters at times, but really, she's actually very kind and gentle towards me.
(Lori then comes to him and strokes his hair.)
Lori: (giggles) Always happy to help you out, son. No matter where we are.
Lincoln: Now where were we? Oh yeah.
(He then heads on downstairs with his mother Lori following close behind him. Just when they went down the final step, they were stopped by a boyish sister named Lana Loud who loves to get dirty as she was carrying a pile of mud in her hands.)
Lana: Lincoln! Lori! Come check this out!
Lola: Hey! I should be the one working here!
Lana: Check out my mud pie! It's nice and squishy!
(Lana throws it upstairs and it gets all over Lola's face.)
Lola: Ah! Help! I've got mud on my face!
(Lori laughs at that, knowing that it was funny.)
Lori: Good one, Lana! You really got her!
Lincoln: Well I've got stuff to do.
Lori: Yeah, I do, too. Come on, hon.
(They then decided to head back upstairs and moments later, they find a little genius sister named Lisa who is writing a mathematical formula on the wall.)
Lori: What in the... Lisa, what is this mess on the wall?!
Lisa: I'm writing myself a mathematical formula. Don't forget to carry the 1!
(As they notice her writings on the wall, they then get an idea.)
Lori: Lincoln, you know what to do.
(Lincoln then whistles for his parents and they take notice heading upstairs while he and Lori both head back downstairs to the living room. The parents notice that Lisa was writing on the wall and they get mad at her.)
Rita: (off-screen, angry at Lisa): Lisa Loud! What are yo...?! Were you writing on the walls again?!
Lisa: (off-screen): I didn't mean it. There was no paper so I...
Lynn Sr. (off-screen): Well, you know that could get you in big trouble, young lady!
Lisa (off-screen): Oops.
(Meanwhile, they find Leni struggling to get the vacuum cleaner to work.)
Leni: Ugh! Stupid vacuum cleaner! I was supposed to get this damn thing up and running a few minutes ago! Grrrrgh!
Lincoln: Hey, hey, Leni. What's wrong?
Leni: Beat it, twerp!
Lori: Hey, Leni. Don't talk to him like that. Just tell us what's wrong.
Leni: Ugh! This vacuum cleaner won't start!
(Suddenly, Lori finds out that it is not plugged into an electrical outlet.)
Lori: Wait, Leni. I think I know why it won't start. It's not plugged into an electrical outlet.
Leni: (realizing) Oh, right. That.
(With that, Lori then plugged the vacuum cleaner into an electrical outlet before placing it in a proper position. Once done, she turns it on and starts it up for Leni.)
Lori: There. It's all set, Leni.
Leni: Good, thank you. Don't forget about that physical workout sometime after I'm done! Until then, both of you beat it!
Lincoln: All right.
(With that, they both headed on to the couch. Lincoln then picks up an old comic left on the floor and begins to read it and Lori set right next to him.)
Lori: (to viewers) Well, we've gone through most of my sisters of this family. You've already seen Lincoln by the way. So which one did we miss?
(Lori then smells a stinky fume and it reveals that it's coming from her daughter named Lily.)
Lily: Poo-poo!
Lori: Oh yeah. It's my daughter Lily.
(Lincoln takes notice and pauses himself from the comic and begins to hold his breath.)
Lincoln: Yeah, that is Lily's stinky little diaper smell. You mind if I change her for you, Mom?
Lori: Sure, Lincoln. I'll pay you twenty dollars in return.
Lincoln: Okay, Mom. Thank you. Come on, Lily. Time to get you changed out of that stinky diaper.
Lily: Poo-poo!
(He picks his sister Lily up and goes upstairs to change her.)
Lori: (now to the viewers and taking over) As we were saying, that of course, takes care of my eight other sisters and my son and daughter in the family. So while he's up there... changing my daughter's stinky smelly diaper, why don't I bring out the pets of our household.
(The screen then wipes to show the pets of the family.)
Lori: First off, we've got Charles, the honorary Pitt Bull Terrier. He's our brave and humble dog and he likes to hang out with Lincoln a lot. I have to say, he is known to be "man's best friend" but I honestly think Charles deserves a "lady's best friend" title as much as my son.
(A cat then climbs up onto her tan trench coat. It reveals to be the cute little feline of the family.)
Lori: Ohhh, yeah, that cat that's climbing on my coat is Cliff. Isn't he a cutie pie like Lincoln?
(She picks Cliff and starts petting the cat politely and gently.)
Cliff: Meow.
Lori: Yeah, you sure are, Cliffy.
(Meanwhile a ball runs over Lori's shoe. She then screams in shock dropping Cliff, causing him to run.)
Lori: Ow! Ow! My foot! Goddamn that little...
(She then notices it was Geo running around in its little sphere.)
Lori: If any of you guys were wondering, that's Geo running freely in his sphere around the house, sure we're hired to watch over one another in this giant house full of other sisters. But me, I just have myself focused on my son Lincoln most of the time.
(She then heads on over to the kitchen to get herself some water. She suddenly finds a bird flying right into her hair.)
Walt: (chirping)
Lori: Heh heh heh, this bird here, by the way, his name's Walt, the little birdie of the Loud family. You see, he doesn't like having people touch his birdhouse which kind of makes Walt really angry and get all pissed at them.
(She then heads on back to the living room.)
Lori: Aside from that, Walt's a very cute little bird and we all love this bird just as much as my little son.
(Lincoln then comes in holding Lily, who is now nice and clean.)
Lincoln: Hey, Mom.
Lori: Hey, son. There you are. How did the change go?
Lincoln: It went out great. I did exactly what you told me, I tossed her soiled diaper in the trash, I wiped her up clean and good, I powdered her and put a fresh and clean diaper on her the way it's meant to be put on.
Lori: See, Lincoln? It's not that hard. And I feel very good about you overcoming such fears like that. Boy, I have no idea of how proud of you I always am.
(Lori then pats him on the head and gives him the 20 bucks she promised him.)
Lori: Here you go, buddy. The twenty dollars I promised you.
Lincoln: Gee, thanks, Mom.
(He takes the 20 bucks politely.)
Lori: Oh, um, wait we haven't introduced the parents yet, have we, Lincoln?
Lincoln: Uh, no.
(Screen cuts to them in the parents' bedroom with Lori talking to the viewers.)
Lori: So this is our parents' bedroom. That is where my parents Lynn Loud Sr. and his wife Rita reside. However they have some serious issues with their lives sometimes. Almost everyday of the week, they have to work, therefore they leave the two of us in charge of the other sisters of the dysfunctional family. But the good thing about them is they almost always have weekends and holidays off work, so that they can have time to help keep all us siblings to have some time to ourselves. However, with almost every child having major issue that the parents aren't taking care of, it seems rather certain that the Loud House is clearly not a good home to be in for somebody like me or my son Lincoln.
Lincoln: I know, Mom. But no matter how bad it gets, we do our best to deal with the cosmetic damages caused by these dysfunctional sisters of yours.
Lori: Yeah, talk about living in a large family. Speaking of which, there are several things that are challenging about living in this family, like...
(scene then cuts to them at the bathroom door with Lincoln in a lot of pressure while right next to Lori.)
Lori: …getting a turn in the bathroom. With this, I present you, "Our Three P's to Go Poo and Pee." Here's what we need. First we need, patience, perseverance, and most importantly for our safety, "Problem solving. With these three steps, you'll get into the bathroom every time which is important.
Lincoln (straining): Especially if you wait until the very last second to go!
Lori: Yeah. That too.
(Lori then heads on up to the bathroom door. She then knocks a few times very lightly.)
Lori: Hello, someone in there?
(She then slowly opens the door and it reveals to be Lynn Loud Jr..)
Lori: Hello.
Lynn: Hello, bossy shoes.
(She shrieks for a moment.)
Lori: Lynn, what are you doing in there? You almost scared me to death!
Lynn: I was just finishing brushing my teeth real quick just to show how fast I can brush them.
Lori: I see. Well, Lincoln has to use the restroom so please let him in.
Lynn: I can't let him in. Can't you see I'm brushing my teeth?
(Lori then snarls at Lynn with a death glare on the former's face. Lynn was now terrified.)
Lori: Lynn. Do you want Lincoln to end up soiling his underwear and pants? DO YOU, LYNNSANITY?!
Lynn: No.
(Lynn then sees Lincoln wanting to go badly and decides to give in.)
Lynn: (sighs) Alright, Lincoln. You can go.
Lincoln: Yes! Thanks, mom!
(He then rushes into the bathroom and closes the door quickly as he pulls his pants and underwear down and pees right into the toilet with Lori hearing her son whistle in the bathroom.)
Lincoln: (in the bathroom) Wow. Sweet relief in the bathroom at last.
Lori: Wow. That was unexpected. Lynn, don't get any ideas about it either. You need to be reasonable about letting Lincoln using the bathroom whenever you're occupied in there or your parents are going to have to ban you from sports for a week. Get the picture?
Lynn: Yes, Lori.
(The scene then cuts to an evening in the house.)
Lori (to the viewers): All right, fellas. Now that that's out of the way, we have to deal with another thing about living in such a large family. And that is...
Rita: (offscreen) KIDS! COME ON DOWN! OUR PIZZA'S HERE!
(It then cuts to an exterior view of the house as a pizza delivery truck is seen driving away.)
Lori: …finding out about getting seconds when dinner is happening..
(The whole family is now at the dinner table.)
Lincoln: You know, in a family this big, getting seconds is rare.
Lori: Especially when it comes to pizza.
(Lincoln and Lori open the box to reveal a huge pizza with fourteen slices. Once opened, they all reach in and take out a slice of pizza each, thus leaving only one remaining.)
Lincoln: With twelve slices and eleven kids, there's always one slice left.
Lori: And you're all wondering, who will get the last slice? Well, that's always the problem. Let me tell you about..."Our ABCs to Getting the Last Slice". (the title then appears as she speaks it.) "First, "A"; Arguing."
Lincoln: I'm the son of your oldest sister of the family and I deserve the last slice!
Lori: (agreeing with Lincoln) Yeah! He's my son and he deserves the last slice!
Lola: No way! Beauty before age, you dumb jerk!
Leni: Nuh-uh, twerp! Cleanliness is next to godliness! And I should have that slice!
Lana: Oh, then I guess I should get it.
Lynn: You don't need it! You'll just eat your boogers instead!
Lori: Ewwww!
Lana: Hmm, true.
Luan: This is bad news anyway you slice it. (laughs) Get it?
Lily: (blowing a raspberry in response to Luan's joke) Wiwy don't get it!
Lincoln: That was not funny, Luan!
Lori: Yeah! You need to cut it out!
Lucy: I know. I'll just contact the spirits and have them decide.
Luna: Dude, dinner's kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you.
Lisa: Perhaps I can use my calipers to equally measure us all a piece.
Leni: Who needs caterpillars? All we have to do is split it evenly 40/40.
(The sisters and their brother are still arguing in the background with various speech balloons indicating random objects as if they are cursing.)
Lori: You know, arguing never works. So if we can't decide who gets the last slice, it brings us to "B"; we must... dare I say it... BATTLE!
(They shout as they circle the pizza slice and jump for it fighting over the slice and Lori jumps in with the rest of them piled on top of each other.)
Lori: Hey, there's one left and it's going to Lincoln because he's my son!
Lynn: QUIET, LORI! YOU CARE ABOUT OUR BROTHER MORE THAN US!
Lana: YEAH! AND YOU JUST LET HIM AND LILY DO THEIR OWN THING ALL THE TIME!
Lori: (angry) YEAH! BUT AT LEAST I CARE VERY DEEPLY FOR HIM! AND HE'S MY SON, NOT MY BROTHER! REMEMBER THAT, GIRLS!
Lynn Sr.: (offscreen) KIDS! There's no need to fight!
(They then stop fighting.)
Lori: Uh, excuse me, what was that again?
(Lynn Sr. shows them a second pizza box and opens it.)
Rita: (offscreen) We got a second pizza for free!
Lincoln: And, of course most of us always forget about "C"; coupons."
Lori: Yep.
(All the kids zip out of the scene except for Lincoln and Lori, causing the one slice to drop to Lori's hand, and the rest go to enjoy their second pizza. She lets out a sigh of relief.)
Lori: Here you go, Lincoln, I think you deserve the last slice of that pizza.
(She gives the pizza to him and Lincoln then eats it in pure excitement.)
Lincoln: Thanks, Mom. What would I do without you?
Lori: Come on, Lincoln. Let's get us another slice together.
(They then head on to get themselves another slice of pizza. The scene then cuts to them back in the living room.)
Lori: Another thing really important about living in a large family is finding a perfect moment to tell your parents something.
Lincoln: Hey, Granny Loud!
(Rita then enters.)
Rita: Yes, dear. What is it?
Lincoln: Do you know if we're going to be doing something fun someday?
Lori: Yeah. We'd like to know, mother.
Rita: No, I'm afraid not, guys. But your father and I have been planning on dropping you guys off to spend a weekend at the Santiago house before heading off to work sometime soon.
Lori: Oh boy! A week with Bobby! This will just be so fun.
Lincoln: And Ronnie Anne too. It will be a blast.
Rita: Now make sure you be good while you're there this week, okay?
Lincoln and Lori: Okay.
(Rita then heads back to the master's bedroom.)
Lori: Well, that was pretty interesting.
(Sometime later, they were still sitting on the couch and Lori was about to grab the remote.)
Lori: (to the viewers) Now this here, can possibly be one of the most challenging things here in this house. Having to fight over who gets the remote first.
(Suddenly, the other girls then popped up from behind the sofa.)
Lynn: Hey, Lori! Hand over the remote before I can watch some sports!
Leni: No way! I want to watch another workout video with Jane Fonda while I dance along to it!
Luna: Uh-uh! I want to watch some "Spinal Tap", bro!
Lucy: How about a rerun of the Twilight Zone?
Lana: Lola and I want Sesame Street!
Lola: Yeah! And Lily wants some too!
Lily: (agreeing with Lana and Lola as she blows a raspberry) Poo-poo!
Lisa: Hey! I want to watch Star Wars with Lincoln!
Luan: How about another comedy show on television?
Lori: No! Whoever gets the remote first is gonna watch television and I have the remote and Lincoln and I are gonna watch some television together as a normal family!
Lynn: All right, girls! If Lori's not gonna give us the remote, then we might as well just pounce on both her and Lincoln.
Lori: Uh oh.
Leni: Get 'em, girls!
(The girls all then pounce on Lincoln and his parents and they all fight over the remote while Cliff runs off from the fight as Lola then bits Lincoln.)
Lincoln: Ow! Lola!
Lori: Get away from him!
(She grabbed Lola from Lincoln and pinned her down on the floor, crushing her face a little. Suddenly, the parents enter.)
Rita: What in the name of... GIRLS!
(Suddenly, they stop fighting and turn to the parents Lynn Sr. and Rita Loud who were extremely furious with their daughters fighting.)
Rita: (enraged) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU GIRLS ARE DOING?!
Lynn Sr.: (angry) YEAH! ARE YOU ALL FIGHTING OVER SOMETHING AGAIN?!
(Just then, Lola was about to make another tattle just to get Lincoln in trouble.)
Lola: MOM! DAD! LINCOLN BRO...
(Lori then decided to shut Lola up before she could even finish.)
Lori: LOLA! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! (she turned to Lynn Sr. and Rita) Guys! You aren't gonna believe what I'm gonna tell you. I'm here to tell you that my sisters were fighting over the remote again!
Lynn Sr.: Thanks for telling me that, Lori. Your mother and I will take it from here. LENI, LUNA, LUAN, LJ, LUCY, LANA, LOLA AND LISA! ALL OF YOU GET UPSTAIRS TO YOUR ROOMS IMMEDIATELY AND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING! That's punishment for fighting over the remote!
(The kids all groan and acquiesce as the head up to their rooms as Lincoln finally got the remote as he now had a black eye and a tooth knocked out.)
Lincoln: Got it, Mom.
Lynn Sr.: Hey, Lori. Thanks for telling us the truth. But your mother and I can't keep letting them run wild when you bring out the truth in what happens everyday.
Lori: (to the viewers) I gotta say, with a family as big as ours, it can be an absolute struggle at first, but it takes time to get used to.
(Back in the front of the living room.)
Lincoln: (as he and Lori were wrapping it up) So, aside from that, like we both said, surviving in a big family can be really challenging. Waiting in line to use the restroom, having to get seconds, wanting to find a perfect moment to ask your parents for something, and of course, wanting to watch what's great for you on television first, it takes us a lot of time to get used to it.
(They both head out onto the front porch.)
Lori: And no matter how hard it is living like this, the thing is, we stay at it anyway as we are about to tell you on our adventures of how we struggle to survive. That is why we both welcome you to... dare we say it, Lincoln...
Lincoln and Lori: (together, loudly) THE LOUD HOUSE!
(The camera pulls back to reveal the entire house at the front view as the episode ends.)
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