The following is a transcript for the episode "Vantastic Voyage".
[The episode begins with Rita inside Vanzilla.]
Rita: [calls to the kids] "Okay, kids, steady as she goes."
[The Loud kids are all pushing the van, except for Lola, who stands on top of the van while waving.]
Lori: "Lola, you are not in a parade! Get down here and help us push!"
[But Lola ignores her and continues waving.]
Lincoln: [grunting] "Mom, this is the third time Vanzilla's broken down this week. Don't you think it might be time for a new car?"
Rita: "I would love a new car, guys. It's your dad who won't go for it." [flashback of Lynn Sr.'s dad with Vanzilla] "Vanzilla was his father's van." [Another flashback of Lynn Sr.'s grandfather with Vanzilla] "And his grandfather's." [Cut back to the present day] "Someday, he hopes to pass it onto you, Lincoln."
[Lincoln stops as his sisters laugh at him. He gets annoyed and starts walking again. Soon, they arrive back at the Loud House but Lola is no longer on top of the van.]
Rita: "Thanks for the assist, kids. Uh, after dinner, I'll need a push to Ceramics class."
[The siblings all groan]
Lynn: "There's gotta be some way we can convince Dad to get a new car."
Luan: "You heard Mom. All our arguments are just going to stall." [laughs] "Get it?"
Lincoln: "Unless we try the subliminal approach."
Sisters minus Leni: "Mmm-hmm!"
Lucy: [realizes] "Wait! Where's Lola?"
Lola: [walks up with a couple of twigs in her hair and two black eyes.] "I got knocked off by a tree branch three blocks back! Thanks for noticing!"
[Later, Lynn is making pancakes whilst Lucy brings a plate over to Lynn Sr.]
Lucy: "Here you go, Dad." [a close up reveals the pancakes to be shaped like a new van] "We made you Blueberry "Brand New Van-Cakes"."
[Lynn Sr. gasps excitedly and starts eating them.]
Lana: "Is that a new shirt, Dad? You look vantastic in it."
Luna: "Yeah, you da van!"
Lynn Sr.: "Thanks, girls."
Lincoln: [pops up with a napkin] "Whoops. Got a little hood ornament on your face."
[Lynn Sr. takes the napkin and starts wiping his face whilst Lincoln and Luna wink at each other.]
[Lori pretends to be doing homework when Lynn Sr. enters the room, whistling to himself.]
Lori: "Dad, could you help me with this math problem? If Mr. Cloud's van stalls out ten miles from his office, how late will Mr. Cloud be for his important meeting?"
Lynn Sr.: "Well, based on my experience from last Tuesday, I'd say about three hours. [chuckling] "And boy, is he gonna stink!"
Lori: "Thanks, dad."
Lynn Sr.: [winks] "No problem, sweetie." [walks off, whistling to himself]
[The next morning, Lynn Sr. wakes up to a glorious aroma.]
Lynn Sr.: "Whoa, Nelly! What is that glorious smell? It's like warm bread, roses and puppies all rolled into one."
Lisa: [holding a bottle of perfume] "Just my latest experiment: I've recreated the intoxicating new car smell."
Lynn Sr.: [excited] "Wait, new cars smell like this? I had no idea! I don't know what's come over me, but I suddenly think it's time the Louds get a new minivan."
[Rita and the other siblings, except for Lola and Lana, enter the room, cheering in delight. Just then, the twins enter the room with a cardboard recreation of the van.]
Lana: "Lola and I have been working on a new song. It's called "Happiness is a New Van"."
Lincoln: "Can it. He already said yes."
Lola: "We've been practicing for four hours! SIT DOWN!" [Lincoln, feeling scared, complies] "And a one, and a two! A one, two, three, four!" [Scene ends before the song starts]
[Later, the kids and Rita hear a blaring car horn and a brand new van pulls up onto the drive. They gasp in awe as the window lowers to reveal Lynn Sr.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ain't she a beaut? I fell in love the minute I took her for a test drive. Check this out." [brings out a remote which he uses to open the door. The kids and Rita excitedly rush up to their brand new van, but Lynn Sr. intentionally closes the door on them, causing the kids and Rita to slam into the van and fall over.] [tutting] "Not so fast. This van is brand new and I wanna keep it that way. Shoes off! From now on you'll wear these booties." [holds a pair of booties] "Now line up for inspection."
[Later at nighttime]
Lynn Sr.: [holding a clipboard] "Aha, so no history of flaking skin, projectile vomiting, or Leaky Bowel Syndrome." [turns to Lana] "You may enter."
[Lana dashes into the van and closes the sliding door. Lynn Sr. gets in the van.]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, gang! Let's take her for a ride!" [starts the van and backs off the driveway, but unfortunately he drives it back.] "Everybody out! Don't smudge the door handles."
[Rita and the Loud children complain about the very short ride they had.]
Leni: "That was, like, the shortest ride ever!"
Lynn Sr.: "Now guys, we don't want to rack up the mileage on Veronica."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, that's the name I gave my little baby. Now, everybody out!"
[The kids and Rita get out of the car, feeling annoyed. Just as Lynn Sr. gets out and closes the door, Lori comes back.]
Lori: "Dad, can I borrow, um...Veronica tomorrow?"
Lynn Sr. [laughs but realizes] "Oh, wait. You're serious? Oh, sorry, honey, nobody drives her but me."
Rita: "And me, of course."
Lynn Sr. [laughs again but realizes] "Oh, wait! You're serious too?"
[Lori and Rita just walk away, feeling annoyed.]
[The next day, Lori and Leni are walking in town.]
Leni: "I can't believe Dad won't let you drive the new van. How are we supposed to get to the mall and junk?"
Lori: [confidentially] "I have a plan."
[Lori and Leni arrive at Todd's New/Used Cars and approach a pink car just as a salesman pops up.]
Steve: "Hello, ladies. I'm Steve. You interested in this beauty?"
Lori: "Very interested, Steve, but we'll need to take it for a test drive."
[Feeling satisfied, Lori and Leni get into the car with Steve who sits at the back whilst Lori sits in the driver's seat.]
Leni: "Wait. Did you say test? Lori, I didn't study."
[Lori just ignores that last part and drives off with Leni and Steve.]
[Lynn Sr. is seen washing Veronica. Lincoln walks up to him.]
Lincoln: "Dad, what are you wearing?"
Lynn Sr.: [turns around, wearing a beaded vest] "It's a beaded vest! I got his and hers for me and Veronica." [opens the turn to reveal a beaded vest on the driver's seat.]
Lincoln: "Err...wow. That's...err...wow. Listen, can I get a ride?"
Lynn Sr.: [closes the door] "No can do, son. Veronica and I have a special outing planned." [a bird tweets offscreen, prompting Lynn Sr. to start up his leafblower.] "Don't even think about it, pal!"
[Meanwhile, Lori, Leni and Steve pull up at Burpin' Burger's Drive-Thru.]
Lori: [to the intercom] "Hi, I'll take three double bacon cheeseburgers and three drinks." [drives up to the window where she collects her order.]
Steve: [confused] "Girls, getting fast food is not usually part of the test drive."
Lori: "Duh! We gotta test the cup holders."
[Lori and Leni place their drinks in the cup holders.]
Leni: "And we got you a double bacon cheeseburger." [tosses a burger to Steve]
Steve: "Oh! I'm vegan but what the heck!" [chomps on his burger as Lori drives on]
[Meanwhile, Lynn Sr. and Veronica are at a meeting for the Royal Woods Mini Van Society.]
Lynn. Sr: "Get this, my wife actually wanted to take Veronica grocery shopping." [chuckles] "I mean, what if her dang protein shakes spilled, huh? I'd never forgive myself!"
Ted: "Ah, I never let my family in Sophia. Got to protect her fine Italian leather." [turns to Sophia] "Isn't that right, Bellissima?"
[A loud horn blares as a smart red minivan pulls up.]
Sergei: "Whoa, check out, Kotaro. What's he driving?"
Kotaro: "Gentleman of the Royal Woods Mini Van Society, allow me to introduce Marilyn."
Ted: "Va Va Voom!"
[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln has called for a meeting with Rita and the sisters, except Lori and Leni.]
Lincoln: "Okay, we all know why we're here. Dad is out of control with the new van."
Luan: "Yeah, it's almost enough to make you miss Vanzilla."
Lana: "She was a hunk of junk, but at least we could be ourselves."
Lincoln: "That's it, then. We gotta convince Dad to trade in Veronica and get Vanzilla back."
Lisa: [looks out the windows] "Easier said than done."
[Everyone looks out the window to see Lynn Sr. offering a key ring to Veronica.]
Lynn Sr.: "Veronica, will you accept this key ring as a symbol of my love?"
Rita: [annoyed] "Oh for Pete's sake."
Lincoln: "Looks like we're gonna have to go subliminal again."
Sisters and Rita: "Mmm-hmm!"
[Meanwhile, at the Royal Woods Mall, Steve is helping Lori and Leni with their shopping.]
Steve: "Um, I don't understand how shopping is part of the test drive."
Leni: "Duh! We need to see how many bags the trunk can hold."
Lori: [holds out a green jumper] "And look what I found on sale."
Leni: "It really brings out your eyes."
[Steve beams with delight]
[Back at the Loud House, Lynn Sr. is reading the newspaper when Lynn and Lucy serve him some pizza.]
Lucy: "Hey, Dad, we made "Piz-zilla". Pizza shaped like Vanzilla."
Lynn: "Brings back some memories, doesn't it?"
Lynn Sr.: [is about to eat his pizza when the toppings fall off] "It sure does. Everything's fallen off it just like Vanzilla." [chuckles] "Glad that heap's gone."
[Lucy and Lynn look at each other in disappointment.]
[Later, Lynn Sr. is washing Veronica.]
Rita: "I'm off to work, dear. I know you don't trust me to drive Veronica, so, from now on, I'll be carpooling with my co-worker, Brandon. You know, the one who just won the "Mr. Hunky Royal Woods" contest."
[Brandon pulls up with his car, shirtless.]
Lynn Sr.: [not taking any notice] "Uh-huh. Sure, honey. Smile, Veronica, this is going on our blog." [takes a selfie with Veronica]
Rita: [groans in frustration before getting in Brandon's car; annoyed] "You can put your shirt back on now, Brandon."
[Brandon sheepishly drives off]
Lincoln: [looks from the window] "We're going to have to up our game."
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, maybe we can do a tour around the block and then..." [gasps in horror to see Veronica without any tires and standing on bricks.] [distraught] "My baby! She's been mugged!" [fails to notice Lana running from the other side with one of the tires.]
Lincoln: "Wow, sorry, Dad. But, maybe there's a lesson here: we just can't have a car this nice in our driveway."
Lynn Sr.: "You're right, son. Everybody, clean out the garage!" [turns to Veronica] "You'll be safe in there, Lambkins." [opens up the garage door] "Chop, chop! We need to get Veronica to a safe place before sundown."
[Everyone else groans]
[Later, Lincoln, Rita and the sisters, except Lori and Leni, are back in the living room and have dirt marks from cleaning the garage.]
Lynn: "Well, that bit it hard."
Luna: "Let's face it, dudes. We're never gonna trick Daddy-o into getting Vanzilla back."
Lynn Sr.: [gasps] "Get Vanzilla back? What are you talking about? Don't you like Veronica?"
Lincoln: "She's fine. The problem is, well, you."
Lola: "Yeah. You've turned into a total meanie. And frankly, a bit of a weirdo."
Lynn Sr.: "That is unfair."
Luan: "No it's not, Dad. You made me walk all the way home from school."
Lynn Sr.: "I was very clear about the no-sneezing policy."
Lisa: [with a glass helmet over her head] "And I do not appreciate being singled out to wear this saliva shield."
Lynn Sr.: "I see what's happening here. You can't stand to see how happy Veronica and I are together so you wanna rip us apart! For shame, family! FOR SHAME!" [leaves the house]
[Lynn Sr. meets with his friends at Burpin' Burger.]
Lynn Sr:. "And they called me a meanie and a weirdo."
Sergei: "Meanie? Check! I have heard that one too."
Ted: "Yup. Weirdo? Been there."
Kotaro: "You gotta shrug it off, Lynn. Families just don't get it."
Ted: "Yeah. Stand firm on that sneeze policy."
[Just then, a battered old minivan pulls up at the Drive-Thru]
Dad in the Van: "Hey, guys. Who's up for some Burpin' Burger?" [to the intercom] "I'll take five Burpin' Burgers with all the stuffings and make sure that sauce is dripping."
[The kids in the van cheer]
Kid in the Van #1: "You're the best, dad!"
Kid in the Van #2: "We love you!"
[The van pulls up to the window]
Sergei: "Aww. I remember when my kids loved me."
Ted: "Me too. In my old van, the kids used to have squirt gun fights and I'd just laugh."
Kotaro: "Yeah. In my old heap, the dog gave birth right there in the back seat! It was the cutest."
Sergei: "Oh, to heck with it! I'm going to trade in Olivia and get my old van back!"
Ted: "Me too!"
Kotaro: "Me too! Farewell, Marylin. We'll always have that first oil change."
Lynn Sr.: "You guys are nuts! You're gonna regret this!"
[But it is no good. The other dads drive off to get their old vans back.]
Kid in the Van #3: "Daddy, who's that sad lonely man in the beaded vest?"
Dad in the Van: "Stay away from him, kids."
[Lynn Sr. looks in the rear view mirror and sighs sadly as he realizes what he's become.]
[Later, Lynn Sr. comes back home and honks his horn.]
Lynn Sr.: "Family, I'm sorry! You were right! Who wants to get Vanzilla back?"
[The family cheer in delight as they rush outside and Lynn Sr. opens the door.]
Lynn: "But, we don't have our booties."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, I don't care anymore. Just get your beautiful muddy feet in here."
[The family dives in and Lynn Sr. races back to the car lot, much to the manager's surprise.]
Lynn Sr.: [gets out] "Hi, I wanna return this van. It just didn't work out."
Manager: "Alright, sir." [takes the keys back]
Lynn Sr.: "And now, I'd like to buy back my old van."
Manager: "No can do. Just sold it for scrap to the junkyard."
Lynn Sr.: [gasps in horror]
[Just then, Lori, Leni and Steve return from their test drive.]
Lori, Leni and Steve: [singing] "♫Ooh, girl! / If I could... / Ooh, girl! / Give you the... / Ooh, girl! / We're all girls!♫"
Lynn Sr.: "We need to take this car out for a test drive right now!"
Lori: "Dad, I think Steve may have had enough test driving for one day."
Steve: "Are you kidding? This was amazing!" [shows off his painted nails] "My nailbeds have literally never looked this good. Whatever you guys want to do, I'm in!"
Loud Family and Steve: [driving off to the junkyard] "Woo-hoo!"
[The car pulls up at the junkyard and the Louds get out as they call out Vanzilla's name.]
Lynn Sr.: "Honk if you can hear me! Come on, baby! Where are you?"
Lincoln: "There she is!"
[A junkyard worker is about to crush Vanzilla, much to the Louds' horror.]
Loud Family: "NOOOO!!!"
Lana: [gets out her slingshot] "Dad, bead me!"
[Lynn Sr. picks one of the beads off his vest and Lana fires at the worker's coffee, which spills onto the control panel. As a result, the crusher stops working before it's even touched Vanzilla.]
Lynn Sr.: [runs up to the worker with money in his hand] "I wanna buy this van."
Junkyard worker: "Seriously? This hunk of junk?"
Lynn Sr.: "She's not a hunk of junk! She's family." [leans on Vanzilla's front bumper which falls off.]
[Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita are heading home in Vanzilla.]
Rita: "Thanks for giving up Veronica, dear. I know it was a big sacrifice."
Lynn Sr.: "Pttf! Veronica who?"
[Rita and Lynn Sr. laugh]
Lynn Sr.: "I'm just glad we can all be together in Vanzilla again."
Lincoln: [offscreen] "We are, too!" [camera cuts to reveal that Vanzilla is once again being pushed by the siblings, except for Lola who is still practicing her pageant waves.] "Even if we're not actually in Vanzilla."
Steve: [drives past whilst singing] "♫Ooh, girl! / If I could... / Ooh, girl!♫"
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