The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount Skydance and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[The episode starts on a dark, cloudy night at the Royal Woods Cemetery with the sound of a wolf howling in the distance. As a lightning bolt flashes, the screen cuts to a wide shot of a silhouetted figure digging a hole. The figure grabs something and drops it into the hole, then it grabs its shovel and begins to fill up the hole. The scene cuts to a closeup of the figure as another flash of lightning crackles, revealing the figure as Dante. The screen cuts to the hole, showing a bag tied up with rope. Dante pushes a headstone over the hole, and the headstone reads "Unknown". A black cat jumps onto Dante's shoulders and meows.] Dante: "Shh. This is our little secret, Virgil." [Virgil zips his lips in response, then he and Dante leave as the camera pans to the headstone. More lightning flashes, and the screen blacks out.]
[The next day, Hank the cemetery groundskeeper is trimming a hedge shaped like the Grim Reaper.] Hank: "Thanks for your help with all my groundskeeping duties, kids. Now, don't forget: Make sure each and every resident gets some TLC." [Bertrand and Persephone are shown scrubbing a statue while Lucy sprays water on a gravestone. As she uses a squeegee on the gravestone, Haiku is seen holding some orange chrysanthemums and some lilacs. She drops the chrysanthemums in front of the gravestone right next to her.] Lucy: "Haiku, Caroline doesn't like mums. She's a lilac girl." Haiku: "Thank you, Lucy." [She picks up the mums.] "I almost made a grave mistake." [She and Lucy laugh monotonously as Haiku places the lilacs.] Dante:[He and Virgil drive by Hank on a mower tractor.] "Hang on, Virgil! I'm gonna pop a wheelie!" [He pops a wheelie on the tractor and speeds past Morpheus, who looks annoyed.] Morpheus: "Stop hogging the mower, Dante! Gah, worst sharer ever!" [Dante drives past Morpheus again, blowing grass blades at him, and Morpheus groans.] [Boris is walking by, playing on his keyboard.] Boris: "Boris is jamming on the keys. Any requests from the dead?" [He suddenly trips on a headstone, and four keys end up in his mouth like teeth.] Bertrand:[He approaches Boris, followed by Hank and the rest of the Morticians Club.] "Are you okay, Boris?" [Boris stands up and spits the keys out of his mouth.] Boris: "Boris will live, sadly." [He glances at the headstone.] "Oh, I've never noticed that headstone before." [The camera pans to the headstone, showing it is the one Dante mysteriously placed before.] Persephone: "Hmm, neither have I. Hank, who's "Unknown"?" Hank: "You got me. I know every inch of this graveyard and I don't remember that grave being here." Dante:[gulps] "Well, people do kick the bucket all the time, so..." Haiku: "How tragic that someone would pass and remain nameless for eternity." Lucy: "As the Morticians Club, it's our duty to right such ghastly wrongs. I say we hold a séance to find out who rests here, then replace this headstone with one with their name." Dante:[He rushes in front of the headstone nervously.] "No! I don't think we should disturb their eternal slumber. You know how hard it is to go back to sleep when somebody wakes you up." Lucy: "A valid point, Dante." [Dante smiles and sighs in relief.] Boris: "Boris can play him some nice, soothing bedtime music." [He plays a daunting tune on his keyboard.] [Dante faceplants and groans in despair.] Lucy: "Great idea, Boris. All those in favor?" [The other members--except Dante--raise their hands and agree.] "Let the record show that the motion passes with much enthusiasm." [The members of the Morticians Club walk off, leaving Dante alone with Virgil. Dante gets nervous.] Dante: "They can't know what's buried under that headstone. We gotta stop em!" [Virgil nods in agreement.]
[The Morticians Club are sitting in a circle by the headstone with seven candles, holding a séance.] Lucy: "Unknown spirit buried within this grave, we beseech thee. Come to us." [Dante opens one eye as Virgil presses a button on a machine behind him. He aims it at Dante and hides as smoke begins blowing out behind him. Dante rolls his pupils back and begins moaning as he fakes being possessed by the "ghost". Virgil crawls under his robe and lifts him up, being concealed by the smoke.] Bertrand: "The spirit is within Dante. Please, tell us your name so we may honor you with a new gravestone." Dante:[feigning a ghostly spirit] "My name is--" [He blinks and notices a statue with an urn.] "Urn--" [notices the knee of a gargoyle statue] "Knee--" [notices Hank shoveling dirt over another grave] "Shovel--" [notices the gate to the cemetery] "Gate. Ernie Shovelgate. It's nice of you kids to want to get me a new headstone. But, don't go to all that trouble. I'm really shy, so 'Unknown' totally works for me. Okay, well, I got to get back to the other side." [He shakes himself and pretends to pass out as the smoke clears. Then he sits up and acts normal.] "Wow, I guess Ernie doesn't want a new headstone. Bummer, but what can you do?" [realizes] "That's a rhetorical question." Haiku: "You know, whenever it's my mother's birthday, she says 'Don't go to all that trouble', which means, 'You'd better go to all that trouble'." Lucy: "That's a good point, Haiku." [Dante gasps] "What if Ernie's just being modest? I say we buy him the headstone anyway. After he sees it, I'll bet he rolls over in his grave...in a happy way." [The other members nod in agreement and walk away to Dante's horror.] Dante: "Oh..." [He faceplants himself on the ground.]
[The Cheaper Reaper: The Morticians Club are following Lucy who pushes a shopping cart.] Morticians Club: "Wow." Lucy: "Okay everyone, I know the Cheaper Reaper is a veritable wonderland of bereavement in bulk, but we need to remain focused. Persephone, do you have the club money?" Persephone: "I do." [She takes out her purse and reveals the money.] "And thanks to our embalming fundraiser last weekend, it looks like we have enough to buy Ernie a most splendid tribute." [She puts the money back in her purse, and the club walks toward the headstones--except Dante and Virgil.] Dante:[to Virgil] "Whatever we do, we cannot let them leave here with the headstone." [Virgil taps Dante's nose and points at something. The screen pans to it and reveals a sign. Dante reads it aloud:] "'You break it, you buy it'." [gasps] "Virgil, that's it!" [He scratches Virgil, and he meows.] "You're one smart cemetery cat." [The two follow the rest of the club.] [There are several headstones reading "Your deceased's name here on the shelves.] Lucy: "I say we really splurge and go with granite." Haiku: "I agree." Bertrand:[gently rubs the headstone] "It has a nice hand feel." Morpheus: "I'll grab it." [He walks up to the granite headstone and grabs it, but he is suddenly shoved away by Dante on a rolling ladder.] Dante: "I'll get one down. I've been doing deadlifts." [He starts climbing the ladder.] Persephone: "Dante, there's one right here on the bottom shelf." Dante: "But everybody knows the fresh ones are always on top." [He winks at Virgil and grabs one, but he slides it off the shelf and drops it.] "Ah! Oops!" [Everyone else gasps, but Boris catches the falling headstone. Dante groans, but then he glances at Virgil. He jumps down onto the headstone and rocks it, then he jumps off. Boris drops the headstone, and it breaks.] Dante:[feigning anger] "Virgil! What did you do?" [The girls glance at Virgil, but he just smiles and shrugs. Later, at the cash register, Persephone is paying the cashier for the broken headstone.] Dante: "Aww, dang it. Now that we've paid for the broken headstone, we don't have enough money left over for another one." Persephone:[She takes out some more money from her purse.] "Actually, we do, thanks to our hearse wash fundraiser the weekend before last." [Dante groans, then he glances at Virgil and nods.] [Virgil leaps onto a coffin, and it begins to tilt backward. It knocks over into a row of more coffins like dominoes, and the last one lands on a coffin placed on top of another customer's shopping cart. The headstone on top of their coffin is launched into the air, smashing through a ceiling light and a skeleton display wearing a widow's veil. The headstone lands on the counter and breaks, followed by the ceiling lamp and the skeleton display. In annoyance, the cashier moves them to the side and snatches the rest of the money from Persephone's hand.]
[The Morticians Club are sadly walking out of the Cheaper Reaper.] Dante: "What is up with you today, Virgil?" [He winks at him.] Lucy: "Exorcise yourself of guilt, Virgil. It was a mere accident, but it does mean our hopes for a new headstone have been laid to rest." Haiku:[sighs] "Sigh. I can't believe we failed Ernie." Dante: "Me neither, but what else can we do? I mean, it's not like we can just go to a rock quarry, find a slab of granite, and carve our own headstone." [Everyone is amazed at his "idea".] Lucy: "Gasp. That's exactly what we should do. The rock quarry's not far from here, and it has lots of granite." Morpheus: "Ernie shall have his headstone after all. Three cheers for Dante." Lucy, Haiku, Bertrand, Boris, Morpheus, and Persephone: "Hooray. Hooray. Hooray." Dante:[even gloomier] "Hooray." [He frowns and crosses his arms, realizing he just made things worse for himself.] Lucy: "To the quarry, everyone." [The club members begin walking toward the quarry, but Dante rushes the other way.] Dante: "Uh, hey, you guys. While you're all doing that, Virgil and I are gonna go back to the cemetery so we can, uh, give Ernie the good news about his headstone! Okay, bye!" [He and Virgil head back to the cemetery.]
[Royal Woods Cemetery: Hank is sitting on a picnic blanket and eating a sandwich beside Dante's headstone. Dante and Virgil peek out from behind a tree.] Dante: "The whole cemetery and this is where Hank eats his lunch? We're running out of time! We gotta get him out of here, and fast!" [While Hank eats an apple, Dante stands by three water valves.] "The sprinklers will make him move!" [He turns the first valve, but two sprinklers rise out of the ground behind him and spray him and Virgil with water. Dante turns them off right away, and they sink back into the ground as Virgil hisses.] "Okay, wrong one." [He walks up to the next valve and turns it, but two more sprinklers rise in front of him and spray him and Virgil again. Dante turns them off too.] "Okay, it's got to be this last one." [He approaches the final valve and turns it, then he braces for impact. One more sprinkler rises from the ground, and it doesn't spray any water. Dante gasps in hope...until the sprinkler head turns toward him and sprays him in the face. Dante turns it off and groans.] "Is this the only spot in the graveyard that gets watered?" [Virgil wrings the water out of his tail. Next, Hank is eating an oatmeal bar while Dante and Virgil stand by an old shed.] Dante: "Nothing to end lunch early like a swarm of bats!" [Virgil runs inside the shed and howls. Four bats fly out of the shed and over to Hank, then they roost with him.] Hank: "Aww, how are my widdle bat babies, huh? Who's ready for some of Hankie's homemade oatmeal bars?" [The baby bats squeal in excitement as they are fed.] Dante: "Huh? Oh, this can't get any worse." [His phone rings, so he grabs it. The scene cuts to the rock quarry, where Boris is using a jackhammer on a granite slab. The rest of the Morticians Club are holding tools and wearing hardhats and goggles.] "Uh, hey Lucy." Lucy: "Greetings, Dante. We'll be there shortly." Dante: "Oh. Uh, great. You know, I was just talking to Ernie and he said since you're making the headstone, if you could add his favorite poem: "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe." Lucy: "An excellent choice. Which line?" Dante: "All 108 of them. In Latin, and cursive, with footnotes." [He hangs up.] "Hopefully that'll stall 'em." Hank:[offscreen] "Want the stick?" [The screen pans to him holding a stick for the bats.] "Go get it!" [Hank tosses the stick, and the bats go to fetch it. He sits down, and Dante huffs. Then he looks around and notices the mower tractor. Getting an idea, Dante starts the engine. The steering wheel and shift lever are tied up with a rope, then Dante spits some gum on a rock. He sticks it on the gas pedal, and the tractor speeds off without a driver. As the bats come back, Hank notices the tractor driving by itself.] Hank: "Ah! I'll bet that's Big Lou from plot three, row twelve! Their ghost is always messing with my stuff!" [Hank chases after the tractor, and Dante rushes over to the headstone.] "Hey, Lou! No joyrides!" [Dante pushes the headstone away and grabs the bag. He heaves it out of the ground when...] Haiku:[offscreen] "What are you doing with Ernie?" [Dante is so surprised that he launches the bag into the air. The screen pans out to reveal the rest of the Morticians Club, and then the bag lands in front of them. They all gasp.] Persephone: "It's not Ernie Shovelgate." Bertrand: "It's--" Morpheus: "Auntie Pam?" [The rest of the Morticians Club gasps in horror as lightning flashes, then Boris plays an ominous tune on his keyboard. The screen cuts to the bag, showing that it is not Auntie Pam herself, but instead just a cooler with ice, two scoopers, and three tubs of ice cream, one empty.] Bertrand: "You buried Auntie Pam's ice cream?" [Dante groans in despair.] Lucy: "So, Ernie wasn't real?" [Realizing that his secret is out, Dante shakes his head in dejection, and Virgil meows sadly.] Persephone: "But why, Dante? Why did you deceive us?" Dante:[He glances at Virgil, and he meows in response.] "Because. Because I wanted to hide my ice cream so none of you could have any. It's cookies and scream, my all-time favorite." Morpheus:[scoffs] "It's the riding lawnmower all over again. I've said it before, and I'll say it once more: Worst sharer ever." [The others agree in disappointment.] Lucy: "Sad, but true." Dante: "Sigh, I know. I'm really sorry. But I'll try to be better, I swear! As a matter of fact..." [He lifts one of the unopened tubs of ice cream and inhales.] "Uh..." [His friends look at him in shock.] "Who wants some--" [But he suddenly snatches it back and evilly snarls in selfishness as Virgil recoils. He stops himself and takes a deep breath.] "You can do it, Dante. Who wants some of my ice cream?" [His friends get happy.] Persephone: "Mmm, yes please." Haiku:[takes the tub] "Mm, it looks dreadfully delicious." [The other members of the club take some, and Dante smiles.] Lucy: "This shows real progress, Dante." [She hands him the tub, and Virgil purrs and licks some.] Hank:[He screams as the mower chases him.] "Help! Help!" [Dante chuckles nervously.] Haiku: "Uh, what's that all about?" Dante: "It's a long story. We should probably go help him." [He glances at the ice cream.] "After a couple scoops." [He and Virgil eat some more ice cream.] "Mmm." Hank: "Big Lou! Cut it out!" [The tractor chases him offscreen again while Dante and Virgil eat their ice cream, and the episode ends.]
