The following is a transcript for the episode "What Wood Lincoln Do?".

Script

[The episode begins at school where Mrs. Johnson is teaching.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Good morning, class. I have some exciting news, this week's unit will be woodworking," [pulls down a shade with the title of their new unit over the old one, which was yarn.] "It's an important life skill, and I know you won't be board. [Holds up a wooden board and laughs, but the class doesn't seem amused, much to Mrs. Johnson's displeasure.] "Really? Nobody?"
Lincoln: [To Clyde, uneasy] "Woodworking? Clyde, I'm hosed.
Clyde: "Hang on, I need to pity laugh Mrs. Johnson." [Pretend laughs] "Good one, Mrs. J. I saw what you did there." [Continues laughing, and Mrs. Johnson smiles. Returns to Lincoln.] "Okay, now, why are you hosed?"
Lincoln: "Woodworking's just not my thing. Every time I try to build something, I get jelly legs, my vision goes blurry, my hands get sweaty, my ears start ringing."
Clyde: "Ah, like me blowing up balloons."
[Flashback to Clyde's birthday, a very weak Clyde being wheeled into an ambulance, while his dads and Lincoln watch.]
Clyde: "Tell my story."
[Flashback ends]
Lincoln: "Exactly."


[The Loud House. In the garage, Lincoln is looking at the blueprints for his project.]
Lincoln: [takes a breather] "Okay, step one." [his vision starts to get blurry] "Oh, boy. Here comes the blurry vision." [passes out]
[Rita comes in with a box of stuff and sees Lincoln passed out.]
Rita: [drops the box in shock and runs to her son] "Lincoln! Are you okay?!" [realizing] "Oh, are you playing dead with Lucy?"
Lincoln: [comes to] "No. I have to build a step stool for class."
Rita: "Oh, honey, I know how you are about woodworking. [picks up the blueprints and looks over them.] "But this looks pretty easy, and I can help you."
Lincoln: "Really? Thanks, Mom. So, here are my materials." [Gesturing to the pile of wood]
Rita: "Lincoln, we are not building with pine. Let's go get some hardwood."
Lincoln: "There's different kinds of wood?"


[Later, Lincoln and Rita pull up in front of the hardware store, and Lincoln reads the name.]
Lincoln: "'Shoulda Coulda Wooda?' I don't get it." [Thinks about it and realizes...] "Oh, now I get it." [Later, he and Rita are roaming the aisles.] "I thought we were just getting wood."
Rita: "Well, I found a few things I needed for other projects."
[They continue, and Lincoln sees something.]
Lincoln: "Oh, look, they have step stools, why don't we just buy one? They're only $12.99.
Rita: "Lincoln, we're doing this the right way, it's gonna be fun." [Looks next to her] "Oh, stain." [Jerks the cart forward, accidentally sending Lincoln flying headfirst into one of the toilets.]


[Back at the garage.]
Rita: "Okay, let's see if we can crack this together." [Reading the instructions] "'Attach the bottom step to the side rail using a flat head screwdriver."
[Lincoln looks around, and picks up a screwdriver.]
Lincoln: "Here we go."
Rita: "That's a Phillips head screwdriver." [holds up a flat head] "This is a flat head."
Lincoln: "There's more than one type of screwdriver?"
[Rita nods her head.]
Lincoln: [takes the screwdriver] "Okay, cool. I got this."
[Lincoln starts banging the screw with the top of the Screwdriver.]
Rita: [Stopping him] "Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey! That's a screw, not a nail."
Lincoln: [groans] "Well, how was I supposed to know that?"
Rita: "Okay, don't get frustrated. Why don't we just, forget about the screws and just try wood glue instead? Kay? [Lincoln shrugs] "Great. Here..." [pulls out a glue bottle and hands it to Lincoln.] "...open this, and put on a nice fine bead of glue along the seam."
[Lincoln opens the cap, and Rita turns to look at the instructions again. But when she turns back to Lincoln, she hears the sound of glue splattering, and sees that he managed to cover himself in glue.]
Lincoln: [Having officially had it, throws the glue off his head.] "Gah! See? I told you I'm no good at this."
Rita: [Sighs, and gives Lincoln a cloth.] "Okay. Lincoln, I'll tell you what. Why don't I build it, and you can just, watch how I do it?"
Lincoln: [gets the last of the glue off him.] "Oh, that sounds great. Let's do that."
Rita: "That way, if you ever have to do something like this again, you can handle it yourself."
Lincoln: "Oh, totally."
[Rita gets to work on the stool.]


[The next day at school, Mrs. Johnson is looking over the students' step stools.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Mm, good effort." [looks at Rusty's] "Nice work." [looks at a student's stool, which doesn't look complete.] "Uh...at least you didn't hurt yourself. [pats the boy's head]
[When she gets to Lincoln's step stool, made by Rita, she is surprised and impressed.]
Mrs. Johnson: [gasps] "Lincoln, this is amazing! Way to step it up."
Clyde: [pretend laughs once again] "Too funny, Mrs. J." [Lincoln takes his seat next to him.] "Hey! Way to overcome your fear, Lincoln. Makes me wanna go blow up a balloon.
Lincoln: [Whispering] "Well..." [looks around, and holds his hand to his mouth] "...actually, my mom built that for me."
Mrs. Johnson: [erases the board] "Okay, class, we're going to move on to our next woodworking project."
Lincoln: [busy wiggling a pencil to Clyde then realizes.] "We're doing another one?"
Mrs. Johnson: [pulls down a shade of the next project.] "Birdhouses! Now, they're a little more challenging, but since you've all completed the step stool, I think you can do it."
[The bell rings and Lincoln gets up from his desk. When he looks at the shade, he starts to get jelly legs.]
Lincoln: "Oh, boy. Here come the jelly legs." [passes out once again]


[Back at the Loud House, Rita is staining the dining table in the dining room with wood stain. Enter Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Mom. I stopped by Flip's and got you a blue raspberry Flippee."
Rita: "Aww, that's so sweet, honey. What for?"
Lincoln: "Just a little thank you for helping me out with the step stool."
Rita: "It was my pleasure."
Lincoln: I'm glad to hear you say that." [tosses the Flippee away and pulls out his materials.] "Because I've got this other little project I thought we could tackle together: building a birdhouse. Huh? Huh? huh?"
Rita: "Well, sweetie, you don't need my help, remember? I already showed you how to do these projects yourself."
Lincoln: "Oh, totally." [puts down his materials] "But for me, it's not just about doing the project, it's about the mother-son bonding. It's about...this." [grins pleadingly]
Rita: [stern] "Lincoln, I know what you're up to. What kind of parent would I be if I did all your projects for you."
Lincoln: "A really nice one?" [realizes she's not gonna buy it] "Dang it."
Rita: "You have your wood, you have your plans. I know you can do this." [Leaves]
[Lincoln sighs, puts the wood on the table and looks at the instructions, but his ears start ringing.]
Lincoln: "Here comes the ear ringing." [Tries to fight it, only to stagger onto a board that hits him in the face, he falls backwards and knocks the rest of the wood off the table.] "I just can't do this." [Quietly feels sorry for himself, but then he gets an idea.] "Hmm, maybe I don't have to."


[Later, in the backyard, Lincoln takes a ladder up to the tree where Walt's birdhouse is, he props the ladder next to the house and Walt comes out wondering what all the commotion was about. Lincoln rubs his head.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Walt, I just need to borrow your house for a little while." [Tries to take it, but yelps as Walt squawks in protest.] "Don't get your feathers in a bunch. [takes the house] I'll bring it back." [Descends the ladder, until Walt starts pecking at his head, causing him to fall.] "I promise!"
[Walt shoots him a dirty look.]


[The next day, Mrs. Johnson is looking at everyone's birdhouse, starting with a kid who had moved into his, she is then astonished by what she thought Lincoln built.]
Mrs. Johnson: [Gasps] "Wonderful, Lincoln! This is incredible!" [Notices something] "Is that, actual bird poop?"
Lincoln: [Sees the poop and starts scraping it off, whilst trying to think of an explanation.] "Oh, uh, I wanted to give it that lived-in look." [Awkwardly smiles]
[Mrs. Johnson smiles and nods, believing Lincoln's excuse. The bell rings and everyone starts to leave, but Mrs. Johnson calls Lincoln.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Oh, Lincoln, how'd you like to earn some extra credit?"
Lincoln: "Sure, never say no to that."
Mrs. Johnson: "Great, I need a dresser built ASAP, my mother's coming to visit this weekend and she always complains there's no place to put her girdles. Since you're such an expert woodworker, you could build one in no time."
Lincoln: [Nervous] "Oh, uh, I'd love to, but I have so much homework."
Mrs. Johnson: [Confident] "You're excused from homework."
Lincoln: "Well, I have to eat right after school, or my blood sugar gets low."
Mrs. Johnson: "I'll feed you."
Lincoln: "I have to walk our dog?"
Mrs. Johnson: "I'll send my dog walker over." [Lincoln is just stuttering at this point; victoriously.] "So we have a deal. Thanks so much!"
[Lincoln is really nervous now.]


[After school, Lincoln is at Mrs. Johnson's house.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Here are the plans for the dresser, and here are all your materials. If you need anything, just holler." [Leaves the room]
Lincoln: [looks at the blueprints] "Yeah, no." [tosses them away and contacts Clyde on his walkie-talkie.] "Clyde! Come in. Clyde!"
Clyde: [picks up] "Hey, Lincoln. What's up?"
Lincoln: "I have a Code Forest Green. I'm at Mrs. Johnson's house, and I have to build a dresser ASAP."
Clyde: "You know, Lincoln, I hate to be that guy, but maybe you should've built the step stool in the first place. Then Mrs. Johnson could've seen that you're no expert, and she would've never asked you to build a dresser."
Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Oh my gosh, Clyde, you're right! Shoulda Coulda Wooda!"
Clyde: "Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."
Lincoln: "No, Clyde, the store. We can just go there right now and buy a dresser!"
Clyde: "Ah."


[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are in Lincoln's room, Lincoln is holding his piggy bank.]
Lincoln: "This is gonna cost me my last few months of allowance, but it's gotta be done." [Smashes his piggy bank and takes the money. They exit the room where Walt, on the other side of the hall, is shooting Lincoln a look of pure anger and hostility.] "Uh oh!" [Walt aggressively chases after them, making the two run downstairs in panic.] "Uh oh, go, go, go!" [They exit the house, and quickly slam the door. Walt ends up flying so fast, his beak penetrates through the door.] "I really got to remember to bring his birdhouse home from school."
[Later, they ride their tandem bike to the store and purchase a dresser, which they struggle with getting to the bike. They pull the dresser up a hill and relax as soon as they start going down. Unfortunately for them, the dresser is faster than they are and they wind up spun backwards and being towed by the dresser, they are dragged by the dresser until a curb stops it propelling Lincoln and Clyde into some shrubs, they get up and Lincoln realizes that they are in the shrubs outside Mrs. Johnson's house.]
Lincoln: "Oh, we're here."
Clyde: "Now for the hard part, how are we gonna get it upstairs?"
[Lincoln thinks about it, sees an open window, and a clothesline.]
Lincoln: "Got it."
[Cut to later once again as they try to pull the dresser up to the open window using the clothesline rope, which turns out to be a struggle for both of them. Just then, Mrs. Johnson knocks.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Lincoln, I made you a snack. Don't want that blood sugar to drop."
Lincoln: "I'm good!"
Clyde: "Lincoln, you're being rude. She cooked for you."
Lincoln: "Fine, hold this."
[Clyde takes the rope, and nearly falls out the window, as Lincoln runs to the door, Mrs. Johnson almost walks in.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Lincoln, I-"
Lincoln: [Holding the door open just a crack.] "Oh, hi, [takes the sandwich] thanks for the sandwich."
Mrs. Johnson: [trying to enter the room] "How's the dresser coming?"
Lincoln: [Shoves the sandwich in Mrs. Johnson's face.] "Uh, it's bad luck to see it before it's finished." [Closes the door, and returns to Clyde, who is still on the verge of falling, eating the sandwich.] "That was a good call, Clyde, this sandwich is delicious, I think there's smoked turkey in here."
Clyde: [Right before he actually does fall.] "Lincoln!"
Lincoln: [Remembers, panicking] "Oh! Right! Sorry! [Catches Clyde rights before the dresser crashes, and they continue pulling.] "We're almost there."
[Suddenly, Walt comes flying by and sees the boys. He gets angry, and makes a beeline for them, lands on the dresser and starts pecking at the line. The two boys take notice of this.]
Lincoln: "Hurry!"
[The boys try to pull the dresser up faster, but the rope snaps in half and the dresser falls to the ground with a large crash. Now the boys are the ones who are mad, but Walt just blows raspberries at them and flies away. Mrs. Johnson runs outside to see what's going on, and finds the pieces of the dresser all over the lawn.]
Mrs. Johnson: [Gasps] "Oh, my!"
[Lincoln and Clyde hide from Mrs. Johnson's sight.]
Lincoln: "Clyde, get out of here! Save yourself."
Clyde: "No way, I can help! I know. We'll tell her you built the dresser, and I was so jealous how great it was, that I pushed it out the window!"
Lincoln: "Clyde, you're a good friend, but I don't want you to lie for me. In fact, I'm done lying, period."
[Outside]
Mrs. Johnson: "So your mom built the step stool, and the birdhouse belongs to your pet?"
Lincoln: [Remorsefully] "Yeah, I'm really sorry that I lied..."
Mrs. Johnson: "Well, Lincoln, I'm pretty disappointed, this isn't like you. I-I think you need to clean this up and go home."
Lincoln: "Okay." [Turns to start cleaning, but sees that Walt is still mad.] "Hey, any chance I can get that birdhouse back from you?"


[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are tossing the pieces of the dresser into a dumpster.]
Lincoln: "I feel bad about lying, but I didn't have a choice, I'm just not good at woodworking."
Clyde: "Oh, totally. It's just like me and the balloons. I tried so hard to blow them up, but I just couldn't. Passed out every time. Even in the ambulance I kept trying. When they took the balloons away, I grabbed some latex gloves and I tried to blow up those-!"
Lincoln: [Cutting him off] "Whoa, Clyde!"
Clyde: "I know, I'm spiralling."
Lincoln: "No, I mean, you actually tried to conquer blowing up balloons. I didn't put in any effort. I just took the easy way out."
Clyde: "Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy. Every uh-oh's a chance to grow. I saw that on a poster in Dr. Lopez's office." [continues to toss the wood into the dumpster.]
Lincoln: "Huh, maybe that poster's right. Come on, Clyde! We have to get all that wood back!"
Clyde: "Well, most of it landed in ketchup, but okay."


[The next day at school, Lincoln enters the classroom and Mrs. Johnson is typing.]
Lincoln: "Mrs. Johnson, I just wanted you to know that I made a step stool." [sets the step stool down] "I don't expect you to change my grade, I only did it to prove to myself that I could."
Mrs. Johnson: "Actually, I haven't done the grading yet." [picks up the step stool to examine it.] "I'm proud of you for giving it a try. I can tell how hard you worked. There's blood all over this."
Lincoln: "Actually, that's ketchup. Maybe barbecue sauce."
Mrs. Johnson: "Well, I think I'm going to give you a pass."
[Lincoln grins and heads to his seat. Clyde is reading a paper. Lincoln sits and he and Clyde gave each other a thumbs up.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Ok, class. Our next unit will be... [pulls down a shade with the title of their new unit over the woodworking unit.] ...the clowning arts. We'll start with balloons." [gets out a bag of balloons and blows up a balloon. Clyde is shocked at this.]

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