The following is a transcript for the episode "Write and Wrong".
[The day starts off normally in the Loud household, with the kids yelling and playing games related to what they like to do. Rita walks past them into the kitchen, where she shows a newspaper to Lynn Sr., who is cooking.]
Rita: "Lynn, check this out."
Lynn Sr.: [Unable to hear Rita over all the noise.] "Who has gout?"
Rita: "No, I said look at this."
Lynn Sr.: [Still can't hear] "I'm not cooking fish!"
[As the kids are still playing and making noise, Rita gives Lynn Sr. signals to go inside Vanzilla, where it is quieter. Once they both get in Vanzilla, they sigh in relief.]
Lynn Sr.: [Still yelling] "Wow, it gets loud--" [He realizes how loud he is talking, so he lowers his voice.] "...in there. What's up?"
Rita: "Remember when I said I needed a new writing challenge now that my novel is done?"
Lynn Sr.: "Yes."
Rita: "And then I was hoping I could make writing my full-time career?"
Lynn Sr.: "Yes."
Rita: [Reveals the newspaper to Lynn Sr.] "Ba-bam!...I-I heard Lynn Jr. say that. Anyway, look. The Royal Woods Gazette is looking for a writer to pen a weekly parenting column."
Lynn Sr: "Wow! You're the perfect fit for this. You'll totally slay." [Rita is confused] "I heard Leni say that. Anyway, you should definitely go for it."
Rita: "Thanks, honey. I'm gonna email my resume right away." [Opens the car door only for her and Lynn Sr. to start hearing the noise the kids are making again. This causes Rita to close the door.] "Well, in a few minutes."
[They lean back and relax.]
[Rita is working in the garden when she gets a phonecall.]
Rita: [Answers] "Hello?"
Jesse: "Rita Loud? Jesse Hiller from The Royal Woods Gazette, here's the headline; I think you're a perfect candidate for the columnist job, our readers would love to hear how a mother of eleven keeps it together, in our new column 'Perfect Parenting'."
Rita: [Realizes] "Hold on. Perfect Parenting?"
Jessie: "Stop the presses, is there a problem?"
[Rita looks in the window and sees... Lola using her teddy bear as a shield while Lana chases her with a water gun, Luna rocking out, Luan with two pies, a dirty diaper being thrown onto the window and Lily marching by.]
[Lincoln gets a pie in the face while reading a comic book. Rita gets nervous.]
Rita: [Sighs] "No problem at all, if you want perfect parenting advice, you've come to the right place."
Jesse: "Wonderful! Then the last step is going on the record with an in-person interview."
Rita: "Great, just tell me when it's convenient and I'll come by your office."
Jesse: "Oh no, I want to see you in action, like The Gazette's afternoon delivery, I'll be on your doorstep at three."
Rita: "Gah! I mean, great, see you then." [Rita hangs up and sighs.] "No problem, I've totally got this."
[Just then Lisa's lab explodes.]
Lisa: "I'm okay! Do we have any industrial strength glue?"
[Inside, Rita is explaining her situation to the kids.]
Rita: "I can't stress enough how important this interview is kids, I really want this job, so I need all of you to be perfect."
[The kids resent the idea.]
Lola: "Being good is hard enough, I don't know if we can reach perfect."
Lynn: [Buzzer sound] "Spoiler! We can't."
Lucy: "This is worrisome."
Lisa: "Highly impractical."
Rita: "Okay, okay, how about this? If I get the job, I'll take you to Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet for a celebration dinner."
[The kids love the idea.]
Lincoln: "You can count on us, Mom!"
Lana: "Yeah, we are gonna impress the snot out of this lady."
[Starts picking her nose. Lisa stops her.]
Lisa: "Yeah, uh, we don't need an illustration."
Lori: "Come on guys, let's go get perfect."
[They all go upstairs. The pets give Rita dirty looks.]
Rita: "Yes I know, bribery isn't perfect parenting, but I want this job."
[At three o'clock, Jesse arrives at the door.]
Rita: "Why Ms. Hiller, welcome to my home."
Jesse: [Enters] "Hello Rita." [In regards to her rather formal attire.] "Headline, you look lovely. Subhead, your home is immaculate."
[The Loud house is very clean. Rita giggles and picks up a muffin basket.]
Rita: "Would you care for a homemade blueberry muffin or some fresh-squeezed lemonade?"
Jesse: [Takes a muffin] "Oh, you really do have it all together don't you?"
[Eats a muffin, and Rita sees Cliff dragging a 'Store Brand Muffins' box into the living room. Charles pushes them away and Rita is relieved.]
Rita: "Would you like to meet my little angels?" [Jesse nods and Rita rings a handbell.] "Oh children."
[The kids come downstairs single file, wearing matching outfits, in birth order.]
Lori: "I'm Lori."
Leni: "I'm Leni."
Luna: "Luna at your service."
Luan: "I'm Luan."
Lynn: "Lynn Loud Jr."
Lucy: "Hello, I'm Lucy."
Lana: "Lana, nice to meet you."
Lola: "Lola Loud, charmed I'm sure."
Lisa: "Lisa Loud, PhD."
Jesse: "Well, aren't you all a delight. Now tell me. What's it like having a mom like yours?"
Luna: "Excellent question, dude. Uh, ma'am. I think we can best answer it in song."
[Puts on her acoustic guitar.]
♫"Life in the Loud House is like no other."♫
♫"And that's all thanks to our amazing mother."♫
♫"She takes me where I need to be."♫
♫"She helps me with my poetry."♫
♫"She's everybody's cup of tea."♫
♫"She's our amazing mother."♫
♫"She helps us with our growing pains."♫
♫"And nourishes our growing brains."♫
♫"You should see her fly a plane!."♫
♫"She's our amazing mother."♫
♫"She keeps us laughing, never solemn."♫
♫"She really makes our lives a ball."♫
♫"And that's why she should write your column.
We think she's an amazing mom."♫
Jesse: [Applauding] "Sensational! This reviewer gives you five stars."
Rita: "Another flawless performance children. Now why don't you head upstairs and play quietly?"
Lincoln: "Can we clean our rooms instead?"
Rita: [Laughs] "Of course."
[The kids go upstairs.]
Jesse: "Well Rita, this afternoon was absolutely perfect. Breaking news, you're hired."
[The kids cheer upstairs, then see Jesse looking at them and silently applaud.]
Rita: [As Jesse walks to the door.] "Thank you Jesse." [Chokes on her words.] "I'm speechless."
Jesse: "That's alright, save your words for the column."
[Leaves. The kids all hug Rita, cheering again, When Lynn Sr. comes in wearing a matching outfit.]
Lynn Sr. "Hey, I'm ready for the song-" [Realizes] "Ah no! I missed it." [Storms out]
[Rita writes a response to a reader. While surrounded by her kids homework. Lisa is taking a beaker upstairs, Lynn is kicking her soccerball.]
Rita's Thoughts: "Dear Homework Harpy," [Lana steals the cookie jar.] "remind your children that they can have fun, once their homework is done." [Lynn accidentally kicks her ball into Lori's face, runs into the kitchen while Lori runs into the wall.] "It's a simple rhyme that will increase their productivity." [Lily is waterscooting down the stairs.]
[Rita writes a response to another reader. While her kids are eating pizza.]
Rita's Thoughts: "Dear Manic at Mealtime," [Lola is about to take some pizza, when Lucy swoops down by her bats.] "if your kids are picky eaters, just arrange their veggies into a beautiful mosaic," [Luna is about to grab some pizza, when Leni swipes it, Luna jumps on her and they fight.] "and invite them to eat a masterpiece." [Mr. Coconuts waves at Lincoln.]
[Rita gradually writes more response letters.]
Rita's Thoughts: "Dear Bathtime Bungler. Dear Mall Meltdown. Dear Potty Training Patsy."
[People buy all her columns.]
[At the grocery store, Rita is checking the fruits, when a woman taps her shoulder.]
Woman: "Excuse me, are you Rita Loud from the perfect parenting column?"
Rita: "Why yes I am."
Woman: "I read your column everyday." [Whispers] "I'm Homework Harpy." [Just then, the Loud kids have a shopping cart race, and end up destroying the watermelon display.] "Oh, look at those wild children!" [Not knowing they're Rita's kids.] "Where are their parents?"
Rita: "Well, I'll tell you where they're not; at home reading my column on how to control your kids in public!"
Woman: [Laughs] "That's for sure." [Walks off] "Well said, Perfect Parent."
[Once Homework Harpy is out of sight, Rita grabs her purse and hurries off with her kids.]
Rita: "Come on, come on, let's go."
Leni: "What about the groceries?"
Rita: "Leave 'em!"
[At Flip's, Rita is filling Vanzilla with gas while the kids are throwing a riot inside. Rita picks up a squeegee.]
Flip: [Clears his throat] "Windshield cleaner's not free; that'll be five cents a swipe."
Rita: "Ugh!" [Puts it back] "Never mind, Flip."
[Flip leaves and a man walk up to Rita with a newspaper.]
Man: "Excuse me, aren't you Rita Loud from the perfect parenting column?"
Rita: [Flattered] "Oh, yep, I am."
Man: "Can I get your autograph?"
[The kids end up setting off the car alarm.]
Rita: "Actually, no. I'm not Rita Loud, I'm uh..." [Messes up her hair] "Flip's sister, Flo. I'll still sign your ding-dang newspaper Chief, but it'll cost you five bucks."
[The man awkwardly leaves. Rita quickly puts the gas pump back, hurries into the van and drives off.]
[At the Loud house, the kids come downstairs.]
Lincoln: "Woo-hoo! Movie time!"
[The other kids cheer and Lori gets a text.]
Lori: "Guys, Mom texted, she had to run to The Gazette, so I'll drive us instead."
[They exit and Rita comes out of her room and sees the pets looking at her.]
Rita: "What? I can't risk being seen with them right now." [Walks off, and the pets roll their eyes.] "I saw that eye roll."
[One week later, Rita walks inside, and the kids welcome her with a group hug.]
Lynn: "What up, Stranger?"
Rita: "Oh, this is a nice hello."
Lincoln: "We just haven't seen you for a couple of days."
Rita: "I know, so sorry, I've been really busy, with the column."
Luan: "Well, at least we have our big night."
Lisa: "Last week you promised that if we behaved perfectly for your new potential boss, you'd take us to Jean Juan's."
[The kids ramble in agreement.]
Rita: "Ah, oh, kids, I'm sorry, I..."
[The kids make sad eyes.]
Lana: "Aw, you promised."
Rita: "Uh, I, uh..." [Checks the time] "Okay, I have an idea, let's go right now."
[They head off]
Leni: [Checks her phone] "Really? it's three o'clock, even Pop-Pop doesn't eat this early."
Lori: "Jean Juan's is literally going to be empty."
Rita: Let's hope."
[Shuts the door]
[At Jean Juan's Rita looks around, wearing a hat and sunglasses, and they enter. Rita looks into the dining area, sees that it's empty, and takes her disguise off.]
Rita: [To the host] "We'd love a table in the back, or you know, in the kitchen." [Moment of silence] "Or the back works."
[The meal is finished, and Lana licks her plate clean.]
Luan: "Careful Mr. Coconuts, you've got a chip on your shoulder." [Points to said tortilla chip and laughs.]
Mr. Coconuts: "Aye! Less jokes, more salsa."
[Shoves his whole head into a bowl of salsa. Meanwhile, thee others are playing 'Duck, Duck, Goose'.]
Lola: "Duck, duck, duck, goose." [Tags Lisa and runs.]
Lisa: "This goose came to play!" [Chases Lola]
Lynn: [Grabs a burrito] "Hey yo! Lincoln! Go long!"
[Throws the burrito like a football, Lincoln goes after it.]
Lincoln: "I got it!"
[Catches the tortilla wrap, but the insides splatter in his face. Suddenly Rita's coworkers enter, including Jesse.]
Jesse: "What a fun idea having our editorial meeting here."
Rita: [Hides behind her menu] "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me." [Sinks under the table]
Female Staff Member: "I hear the guac is news worthy."
Rita: [Whispers, and crawls under the table.] "Psst, kids, we need to go." [Peeks out] "Waiter, check please."
Luna: [Uses the breadsticks as drumsticks, until one goes flying.] "Whoops."
[The breadstick lands at the editor's table. Meanwhile, Lucy is continuing the game, in her own special way.]
Lucy: "Ghost, ghost, vampire." [Tags Lori and runs.]
Lori: "Oh, me? Wait..."
[They start the chase, but accidentally bump into a waiter, who spills on the editor's table.]
Jesse: [Annoyed] "What in the name of the Funny Pages is going on here?"
Leni: [Sees Jesse] "Oh, hi Mom's boss!"
[The kids see Jesse, and Rita, still under the table, slaps her face.]
Jesse: [Can't believe is] "The Loud family?"
Lincoln: [In a raspy voice] "Uh, you got us confused with someone else." [Messes up his hair and flattens his nose.] "We're Flip's kids."
[Lola, Luna, and Lori mess up their own hair.]
Lola: "Flossy, what's it to ya, Chief?"
Luna: "I'm Flattery, Champ."
Lori: "Yeah, and I'm uh, literally, uh, Flora."
Leni: [Confused] "Wait, what?"
Rita: "Oh, that's okay, kids." [Gets up, but hits her head on the table first.] "You don't have to lie for me." [Goes to her boss] "Hi Jesse."
Jesse: "What's going on, Rita? Have your children been bitten by rabid raccoons or something?"
Lana: "Oh, if only."
Rita: "No, this is how we really are. What you saw at my house was an act."
Jesse: "But, the muffins, the song, the matching outfits?"
Rita: "All fake, I knew you wanted a perfect parent, and I wanted the job, so..." [Exhales] "I'm not a perfect parent, I try to do my best, and some days are great, but some days are more than I can handle." [The kids look at each other guiltily.] "Parenting is my favorite job, but it's also the hardest, I'm sorry I mislead you."
Jesse: [mad that she's been lied to.] "I'm sorry too, clearly you are not right for the column. This just in, you're fired."
Male Staff Member: "Now hold on Jesse, I love what she just said."
Female Staff Member: "Yeah, parenting is hard, I wish that was in the column."
Jesse: "Really? You relate to this?"
Male Staff Member: "Yeah, the other day it took forty minutes to get my kids in the car."
Jesse: [Thinks] "Hmm... Well, I guess you both would know better than me. I don't even have kids." [Laughs]
Lori: "Does that mean our mom isn't fired?"
Jesse: "This just in, your mom can keep her job." [Everyone cheers] "Rita, forget being perfect, from now on, just be authentic."
Rita: "Thank you Jesse, I can do that."
Lynn: "Whoo! Burrito spike! Yeah!"
[Smashes a burrito on the ground.]
Waiter: [Gives Rita the check] "Congratulations, now would you mind celebrating somewhere else?"
[Walks off, and the editors are shocked.]
Rita: "It's okay, we get this a lot."
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