The following is a transcript for the episode "Zach Attack."
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[It's morning at the Gurdles' house. Zach is asleep, and wakes up. He hurries out of bed and goes to his alien tracking equipment. He gets a printout and reads] Zach: "Today's the day!" [Hurries off]
[At school, Zach's friends are hanging out in the hall, looking at a bruise on Liam's stomach] Clyde: "And how long has it been that color?" Zach:[Excited] "Guys! They're coming! They're coming!" [Zach's so excited he trips] Lincoln: "Zach for the last time, bigfoot and the abominable snowman are not coming for you." Zach: "Agree to disagree. But right now I'm talking about an alien spaceship. I've been doing the calculations, every forty-three years, four months, seven weeks, and eleven days there have been alien flyby sightings. So in honor of the occasion I'm having a…" [Speaks gibberish] Rusty: "Yes! Awesome!" [Realizes] "I don't know what that is." Zach:[Starts handing out flyers] "That's alien language from the Clevarious galaxy. Human translation… full on rager!" Chandler: "Alien flyby? Count me in. I can't wait to say I told you so when there's no UFO. Also his mom makes really good cookies." Lincoln: "Uh, Zach, are you sure this party's a good idea?" Zach: "Positive, I've been talking about aliens since I could talk, and now is my chance to prove to everyone that they're real. Who's in?" [His friends look at each other rather skeptical, but they agree] Clyde: "I'm here for you, buddy." Lincoln: "I'm here for you, buddy." Liam: "Me too." Rusty: "I'll supply the tunes." Zach: "I knew I could count on you guys! This party's gonna be…" [Speaks Alien gibberish] Clyde: "Uh... epic?" Zach:[Wraps his arm around Clyde's shoulder] "Si-i-ick!"
[Night-time comes. Everybody except Zach are wearing aluminum hats. Mrs. Gurdle is giving out cookies to their guests. Some of them are getting bored.] Girl Jordan: "What time's this alien spaceship supposed to fly by? It's been two hours. And how much longer is Rusty going to play that French Horn?" [Rusty is indeed playing a French Horn. His cheeks are red. It blares out of tune, annoying the guests.] Zach:[Looking over his notes] "I don't get it. Could I have gotten the day wrong?" Classmate: "Hey! what's that? [There's a silhouette of something that looks like a UFO with a scarf in the clouds] Zach: "Guys look! There it is! There's the ship! Looks like the aliens are sending us a message!" [The "ship" emerges from the clouds, and is just Flip in his cheap biplane. A banner at the back of the plane reads 'EAT AT FLIP'S'.] Zach:[Bummed out] "Oh..." Chandler:[Laughs while he munches] "Hey, Gurdle." [Stuffs the rest of his cookie.] "Told you so!" [Swallows it] "That felt good." [The rest of the guests get up and start leaving the area.] Guests:[Annoyed] "I told you this was ridiculous." "Are you serious?" "Called it!" [Zach starts whimpering and panicking. Suddenly, he gets an idea and goes to Rusty, who was still blowing on that French Horn.] Zach: "Rusty, you gotta help me." Rusty: "I thought you never ask. My cousin Derek can hook you up with a new identity and get you on a bus to the Poconos." Zach: "What? No, no, no, no, listen, I know aliens are real, but if no spaceship appears tonight, no one will ever believe me again. I've got an idea but I need your help." Rusty: "Fine, but the horn comes, too." [An annoyed Zach pulls Rusty away.] "Yah!" [Inside a room, A flashlight is held on screen. Zach flickers it on and off.] Zach: "Okay, all you gotta do is shine this flashlight out the window like this." [The flashlight shows a holographic image of a UFO] "The alien ship will be projected in the sky. Everyone will see it, get blown away and all the doubters will stop doubting." Rusty: "Pssh! I thought you were gonna give me a hard job, bro. Relax. The Rust-man's got this." [The guests are about to leave, until Zach hurries out the front door and gives a signal to Rusty, up in the bedroom. Rusty nods and turns on the flashlight, directing it towards the sky.] Zach:[Pointing at the "UFO" in the sky] "Guys! Look! The alien ship!" [The "UFO" moves about in the sky. Everyone sees it and they are amazed. Including Chandler, who's about to take another bite of his cookie.] "Well, Chandler, I told you so! Huh, that does feel good." [The ship starts doing some more flips and tricks, everyone is amazed, but Zach gets worried. He goes back to his room, and becomes angry when he sees Rusty having too much fun with this.] "Rusty! Dude, what are you doing?! You were just supposed to do a quick flyby." Rusty: "I'm giving the crowd a show, and by the sounds of those cheers we are eating it up." Zach: "Well it's time to end the show. We don't want people getting suspicious." [Tries to take the flashlight] "Rusty. Give it back!" Rusty:[Angrily] "No!" [They start fighting over the flashlight and accidentally drop it. From the ground, it looks like the spaceship landing. Everyone gasps] Lincoln:[Excited] "Did you just see that?!" Clyde:[Excited] "It looks like the alien ship went down in Tall Timbers Park." Mr. Gurdle: "You're right, Clyde." Mrs. Gurdle: "Come on party people, we're gonna search for the aliens." [Everyone except Zach cheers with excitement.] Zach: "Um… Are we sure about this? Maybe we should just stay here. I mean... uh... the aliens could be dangerous." Mrs. Gurdle: "Are you kidding? This is what we've been waiting for our whole lives: a chance to meet aliens." Mr. Gurdle: "I've got extra flashlights." Mrs. Gurdle: "And don't worry, I've got intergalactic visitor welcome cookies. Scientific fact: aliens love coconut." Zach:[Nervously laughs] "Right." [Looks away.]
[At Tall Timbers Park, everyone has their flashlights turned on while searching for the aliens] Lincoln: "Uh, isn't this the spot?" [Mr. & Mrs. Gurdle nod at each other] Mrs. Gurdle: "I'm afraid this can only mean one thing." Zach: "Yep, the aliens returned to their planet. Now who wants to go back to the house and hear Rusty play the French horn?" [The camera cuts to Rusty, who is still blowing on his horn.] Mr. Gurdle: "Not so fast, son. Clearly the ship has evaporated and the aliens have taken human form." [Everyone gasps and drops their flashlights.] "According to all the scientific journals, I've read about body snatching... aliens only do that when they're preparing to attack." [Everyone gasps again and hold on to each other in fear.] Mrs. Gurdle: "Not even my coconut cookies can stop that!" Mr. Gurdle:[Hits Zach with a bullhorn and calls through it] "Everyone spread the word! The aliens are among us!" [Everyone starts panicking and running in circles. Zach gets up and realizes what he's started. He shows a despaired look.] Rusty: "Dang, bro. You really messed up this one." [Zach scowls back at his friend, and runs away guiltily.]
[The next morning, Zach is walking along, reading the newspaper. The headline reads 'ALIENS INVADE ROYAL WOODS?'.] Zach:[Sighs] "This is really bad. What am I gonna do?" Katherine: "This is Katherine Mulligan reporting live from the streets of Royal Woods where people have one question… Do aliens walk among us?" [Sees Zach walking slowly and miserably] "Ah, young man. Katherine Mulligan, Royal Woods news. Do you believe there are extra-terrestrials in Royal Woods?" Zach: "Yes. [Nervous] I mean no. I mean... Uh... [Chucks the papers] I have to go!" [Zach runs off while Katherine watches him.] Katherine:[To the viewers] "Well, that incredibly suspicious little boy has me convinced..." [Starts panicking with dramatic music] "THE ALIENS ARE COMING FOR US ALL!" [Zach catches up with his parents] Mrs. Gurdle: "Zachary, quit dilly dallying! We need to scan everyone in a six mile radius before dark." Zach:[Nervous] "Right. Mom, Dad, there's something I need to tell you." [His parents turn to look at him, he looks at them] "Um, I need to stop at the Food 'n' Fuel. I need... uh... batteries for my alien skinner that just died." [His parents smile back] Mrs. Gurdle: "Great. [To her husband, with a frown] Flip needs to be scanned anyway."
[Later in the evening, people are gathered around Mayor Davis in the parking lot by the gas station, chatting worriedly.] Lynn Sr.: "Mayor Davis, what are you gonna do about the aliens?!" Mr. Grouse: "Yeah! When will we find out who they're inhabiting? When they come to eat us?!" Little Girl: "Daddy, I don't wanna be alien food." Meryl:[Cutting in] "Don't you fret, sugar. You're not gonna be alien food. They're just gonna take over your brain like a little old remote-controlled car." [The little girl whimpers in fear.] Flip:[Advertising while holding a tray of aluminum hats with a twenty dollar price tag.] "And I can't take over your brain if they can't get to it. Get your alien protective gear, it's only twenty bucks a pack." Cheryl:[Cutting in angrily] "Uh-uh, you just want us to put those on our heads so you can read our brains better, because you're an alien." [The father, holding the little girl walks away.] Flip:[Angrily] "Yeah, I bet you two gals are the aliens, probably hiding your tentacles-- in those big beehives." [Meryl and Cheryl are offended and glare at Flip. However, they turn their attention to the Gurdles trying to scan Scoots, who is putting up a fight] Scoots: "How do I know you two aren't the aliens!?" Mrs. Gurdle: "That's impossible! Because we have technology blocking liners in our clothes that make us immune to alien body snatching!" Scoots: "That's exactly what an alien would say!" [The townsfolk all start yelling at each other, much to Zach's horror] Zach: "I've gotta stop this!" [Heads off]
[Later, Zach is back in his room] Zach: "So all of this alien hysteria is totally my fault. I just wanted everyone to believe but it turned into a huge mess. I need your help to fix it." [Zach is revealed to be talking to his friends, but they are silent.] Rusty: "Don't worry, I got your back." [Calls his cousin] "Derek, it's Rusty. It's time for Operation: Poconos." Zach: "What?" [Flails his arms to get his attention.] "No! I have a plan, and if we do it right, no one will ever have to find out that I lied. So, will you guys help me?" [Zach's friends are still silent at first, but they agree to help] Lincoln: "Sure." Stella: "Totally" Clyde: "Heck yeah." Rusty:[Sighs] "Bailing you out again." [On phone] "Derek, I'll call you back later." [Hangs up] Lincoln: "What kind of plan were you thinking, Zach?" [Zach holds up a bottle of glue, and a box of aluminum wrap. His friends look at each other rather puzzled.]
[Later that night, the traffic lights are squeaking, the windows and doors are boarded up all over town, signs are posted telling the aliens to go away. Zach rides his bike through the empty streets. Zach looks around, even the Loud sisters are closing their curtains] Zach:[Takes out a bullhorn and speaks through it.] "I've located the aliens and their ship at Tall Timbers Park! They're about to take off!" Mr. Grouse:[Angrily while clenching his fist.] "Why should we believe you!?" Zach: "See for yourselves!" [Gestures to a green glow, coming from the direction of Tall Timbers] Townsperson:[Gasps] "That boy is right." Zach: "Come on! follow me!" [Zach rides off.]
[At Tall Timbers Park, everyone gathers.] "Look!" [A spaceship and three extra-terrestrial beings appear in front of them. Everyone gasps. The one in front says something inaudible.] Scoots: "Huh? What did it say?" Zach: "Don't worry everyone. I can translate. They have a message for us." [The being says something] "The aliens said that... um... they're heading back to their home planet. They're sorry for causing trouble. They just came here for my mom's cookies." [The alien holds up a plate of Mrs. Gurdle's cookies. She's flattered. The ship is about to warm up, the beings enter it. In the bushes, Lincoln is holding a rope and gives a thumbs up. Clyde nods and has a rope too. They start pulling. The spaceship slowly rises, everyone gasps, while Zach breathes a sigh of relief. But the weight of the ship and three of their friends is too much and the branches holding up the ropes snap. The ship falls and the aliens tumble out. Everyone gasps] Scoots: "The aliens changed their minds! They're gonna eat us!" Zach: "Wait! No!" [Flails his arms.] "That's not true. they just uh... ate too many cookies, and uh, they have to wait thirty minutes before takeoff." Scoots: "The kid doesn't know what he's talking about. Let's get them while they're down!" Townsperson: "Yeah! Let's go!" [The townspeople are prepared to get three of Zach's best friends] Zach: "Wait! Stop! Don't get too close! Uh… They're radioactive, and if you touch them…" [Sees his friends scared and gives up] "Ah, what am I doing? They're not real aliens. This whole thing is a fake." Mr. Gurdle: "Zachary what did you do?" Zach: "I promised my classmates they'd see an alien ship fly by, and when it didn't happen, I staged one. I never meant for things to get out of control." [Stella and Liam take their helmets off, but Rusty's is stuck] Rusty: "A little help?" Mrs. Gurdle:[Remorsely] "Oh honey." Zach: "Look, I know aliens exist, and one day I'm gonna prove it to all of you. But this was the wrong way to go about it, and I'm truly sorry." [Everyone groans and walks off, displeased. While Zach's parents are rather disappointed. Zach's friends console him.] Chandler: "Hey, Gurdle, my mouth is getting tired from all these 'I told you so's'." Cheryl:[Sees something] "Hold on y'all! Look!" [A UFO is flying overhead] Townspeople: "Whoa!" "Wow!" "Look at that!" "Holy cow!" Zach:[Happily] "Yes! I knew they were real!" Rusty: "I never doubted you for a second, bro. We're still looking at aliens, right?" Zach:[Sarcastically] "Hey Chandler, got anything to say? Or is your mouth too tired?" [Chandler growls.] Zach:[Continues looking at the UFO, turning bubbly eyed] "Whoa..." [Meanwhile, the UFO is just a drone being operated by Flip. He chuckles to himself.] Flip:[To the viewers] "Yeah, as long as those knuckleheads keep believing in little green men, ol' Flip's gonna keep making big green cash. Cha-ching!"
